Working on it, but affair hasn't ended yet...

[t33]

Matt777 - you are correct

[Vanilla]

T will catch up on your thread and in the meanwhile

Hugs

V

[u-turn]

T - just offering my support for you. Cali (and everyone) is giving you great advice as he has given me.

I see very many similarities in our situations. It is great that you found this forum early - start applying these DB principles now.

My W is also in an A with a coworker and I spent the first 6 months floundering in a devastated way - made every mistake - health was failing, couldn't function. Found DB and poorly executed and slowly implemented these principles. I believe that if I truly took all of the advice from the books and fine people here quickly, my situation may be better - who knows. But I do know that I am better for it (DBing, not the whole sitch) - I am stronger because of it. You will be too.

I'll be back, but wanted to give you my support.

Have a great holiday weekend - it is possible.

[sandi2]

I get home late and she's falling asleep but crying. Having a few drinks I rub her back in a consoling manner. She asks why do I try? I ask if she thinks I've given up. She says she's not crying because of our failed marriage. She's crying because she still loves OM and he won't even see her. I rub her back for a minute or two more and then go to sleep.

T33, I believe with Caliguy's help, you can look back at the above quote now and see things more clearly. A lot of the LBS get confused when reading books and forums. Personally, I think many newcomers have a stumbling block that causes most of their confusion in the beginning of DBing. You see, there are thousands upon thousands of books, and other resources, that tell us how we can have a better M. They give all these tips that will improve the couple's relationship.

Recognizing where you fell short in the MR, is one of the first things we suggest on this forum. Being able to understand that your S had unmet needs, etc., is another area we urge newcomers to give serious thought. We strongly encourage the newcomers to apply 180's. The LBS is focusing on what the WAS wanted during their M history. So now the LBS is charged and ready to become the new & improved S. Okay, that is all well & good. But here comes the stumbling block.

IMHO, there should be some type of distinction in the advice for people who need guidance in how to improve their M that is not being threatened by D .............and the advice for those who already have a S who is ready to walk away and throwing the D word at the LBS. There should be even further distinction in the advice given for LBS who are dealing with infidelity. I won't go into details about the wayward S, b/c I attempted to explain my views in the thread about WW's. The point I am trying to make here is that many newcomers get all these pieces of advice jumbled together in their head. If we tell him he needs to back away, he says, "But that was our initial problem". It becomes a stumbling block in his complete understanding of what he needs to do and not do at that particular time for his particular place in his journey.

We have seen many newcomers who read DR and by the time they get to the chapters where MWD, herself, writes about a tougher application.......they seem to slide past it. They get LRT, 180's, DTR, Going Dark, etc., so confused as to what to apply and when to apply to their individual stitch.

As far as that letter from the guy who was willing to just be a friend to his WW who had left him and continued her affair? I do not agree with the author of that letter. He said nothing about trying any of the methods in Michele's book. He just decided early on to be his WW's BFF. Hey, if it really did work out for him.......I'm happy. But I have strong doubts his WW would be romantically attracted to a guy who was so willing to just settle for friendship while she dishonored him and their M. But, that's just this one woman's opinion.........and that letter was just one out of thousands of posts on this forum that have shown the BFF route is not as "safe" as you may think it is. I believe there can be several relationships that the WW would refer to as "just friends", however, there is only ONE position refered as "husband". You decide which position you want.

[Bob723]

Hey t33,

Sandi has some excellent points, as always! Please read her post very carefully. She is one of the best of the best vets.

(I could use her advice now, too.)

Anyway, could luck, t33. I will say a prayer for you today.

I wish you well.

Bob

[t33]

Thank you everyone for chiming in. Vanilla, u-turn, sandi2, and Bob723.

I very much appreciate the support and words of encouragement.

It is a confusing time and it is difficult to apply the proper DB techniques at various times. I appreciate everyone's opinions and pointing out what may or may not be the most effective strategy.

I have been working hard on 180s:

• Not working so late to be around for the family. For the kids and home, and to work out, etc. - not just to be a lap dog for the wife.
• Going "outside the box" - while my wife had resigned to the fact that I've turned to conservative and not open to new/risky/wild experiences - I've opened myself up to doing more fun and crazy things.
• Rather than "look down" or try to talk her out of things that she wants to do - I have embraced her doing things she never would have thought I'd be accepting of.

All these things have opened her eyes a bit and she's been a bit surprised as to where I've taken some of these things. It has certainly increased her curiosity and attention to me.

I've been working hard not to "pursue", though I'm sure I fail at that from time to time. She's the one who approached me most often during the weekend and we had a really great time. Something she echo'd to a co-worker. Whether or not that attention and renewed sense of enjoyment with me is something that will stay or is fleeting remains to be seen, but still, for 3 days we had a crazy, fun, and enjoyable time.

Any time the conversation turned too far ahead, I pushed it off and said, it's "just one day at time". The idea being putting too much thought into the marriage, the relationship, the future - it's too early and we're not there yet. I don't want fleeting good feelings about "us" to get tainted by dwelling on too much over thinking.

I need more 180s, just not sure what. Working on GAL, albeit slowly, and work is going to be crazy the next two weeks.

Still, true or not, I certainly feel to be in a better place today on Monday, than where I was on Thursday. I pray for continued progress.

[CaliGuy]

T33

Ok . holidays are over ... what GAL activities are you doing for the next week?

(Stay out of your W's head this week .. do your thing)

[t33]

Good question CaliGuy! Good to stay focused and on task. GAL this week is tough since I'll be working a lot, but I can't lose focus.

W is going to dinner with an old friend on Wednesday, so that day is out - I'll need to take care of the kids.

Friday is my tattoo day (stepping outside the box), and Saturday and Sunday I'm working and should get home to the kids when I'm finished.

So that really leaves Tuesday or Thursday. My hope is to find one of those days to meet up with a friend.

Regardless, each day during the week I plan on exercising by taking a walk around the neighborhood.

[t33]

Yesterday I came home and she was a bit cold and distant. No matter, I started playing with the kids and had fun with them. Started putting them to bed and W said she wasn't feeling well enough to work out (she hadn't been feeling great earlier in the day). I told her I was putting the kids to bed so she should take a leisurely walk around the neighborhood.

20 minutes later she texts me asking if I wanted to ask her mom to stay with the kids if they've fallen asleep and join her. I said sure. Her mom stayed and I joined her. She kept her headphones on the entire time and just listened to music. I just walked with her, keeping a PMA and imagined (per CaliGuy) the whole tweety bird in Sylvester's mouth idea. ha!

We walked a short while and she was done, so I said I was staying out to continue walking and she went home.

Spoke with a friend who said she really enjoyed the weekend and thought it was so great. She said she still didn't think it changed anything, but was much less confident of that.

40 minutes later I finished my walk and came home. She was watching TV so I sat on the couch and had a snack. No talking, but some chuckling at the TV.

We went up to bed, I took a moment for myself on the balcony while she got ready for bed. Came to bed and watching 30 minutes more of TV. She went to sleep halfway through the show. Even though I was tired I finished the show and then went to bed.

This morning she was just waking up as I had to leave for work. We said goodbye and I went on my way.

Trying to practice lovingly detaching.

[WhyUs]

Sounds a lot like my situation while but my wife was hiding her EA. We acted the same way with each other as far as being around each other and not really interacting. I wish I had detached myself at that time. I would slip up at least every other day and beg, cry and plea. Don't fall into that mode.

Good Luck