Falling Pianos: Wayward Wife & LRT (8)

[Defacto]

For continuity sake, here is Georgia Bulldog's post with my and Caliguy's response below...

"I still think you have missed and keep missing opportunities and it's frustrating to me to watch you miss this under the banner of detaching.

Detaching, to me, means this "spew" won't/shouldn't really bother you anymore, not that you give her the silent treatment when she starts talking about your relationship. Your wife has months and months of rationalizations and justifications built up in her mind that she needs to work through before she can get to a place of being ready to accept responsibility for her choices. So what if she blames you and etc, etc, etc. Her words are only expressing her illogical "feelings" on the subject because taking full responsibility is just too hard to do at this moment. You are a logical thinker. She isn't. All you have to do is listen. You will get a lot of credit LATER for just listening to her say whatever mean thing she chooses to discuss with you. Half the time they don't even remember half the hateful stuff they say. They are just reaching for whatever they can, like a child, to make everything someone else's fault. She can blame you all she wants but your logic should be telling you "I'm rubber and she's glue, whatever she says to me, bounces off and sticks her".

Point is. Of course she's not ready. She's lost. She's not going to stumble upon the right words and give you assurances of anything. Even if she said "the right words" you'd be a fool to believe them YET anyway. As Michele Wiener Davis says "The general rule of thumb here is to be responsive to your partners new interest, but not too responsive." Whereas you are being almost completely NON-responsive. You asked one question and she started spewing and you demonstrated your conflict avoiding/emotionally unresponsive stance by evading, getting off the phone ASAP and, now, giving her the silent treatment.

I suggest you apologize to her for skipping out on the conversation and tell her, as she's aware, that you are a conflict avoider. Tell her that if you two are going to figure anything out it's going to involve some conflict and you aren't afraid of being emotionally vulnerable. Then ask her casually if she'd like to meet you somewhere specific (a restaurant or park) "to talk" sometime this week OR NOT. You'd be approaching this as essentially saying that YOU are doing her a favor and finally willing to talk to her...if she wants.

Please see that her first big objection above was "I TRIED to talk you to". This is now her most current rationalization and justification. SHE has tried and you aren't communicative so it's again, your fault. By generally offering to talk...you take that away.


NOW...if she ACCEPTS talking. Go back to your MWD LRT techniques. Meet with her but HAVE FUN. Be more GAL than serious. When it gets serious....JUST LISTEN. I prefer to say "tend to agree" versus "validate" because validation of wayward spew is just so hard to do sometimes where it's easier to NOT buy it, let it fly past you and say "Hmmmmm, I see", while seeming to nod your head up and down followed by a poignant or misdirecting question instead of a "validating" statement. It's not your job to "validate" spew and a wayward doesn't need you to say "yeah, you're right, it's all my fault". They don't REALLY believe half the stuff they say themselves. Anyway, heres the LRT suggestions"

Originally Posted By: MWD LRT
1. Be loving in return, but not overly excited or enthusiastic.
2 Accept some invitations to spend time together, but not all.
3. Do not ask any questions about your future together.
4. Be vague when asked questions about the changes in you. Say that you are just thinking things through.
5. Continue to be upbeat.
6. Do not say, "I love you"
7. Resist getting into conversations about your marriage.
8. Beat your spouse to the punch when it comes time to leave or separate from each other at the end of an activity. You set the tone for going your separate ways.

You need to stay interested, but cool, until you are absolutely convinced that your spouse's renewed interest in saving your marriage has taken hold. Once you feel absolutely sure that this is so, you can test the waters by becoming more obvious about your desire to stay together. You can try discussing your future together and see what happens. If your spouse is receptive, you can continue to move forward slowly and begin to tackle the issues that drove you apart in the first place. If, on the other hand, you're met with reluctance, backpedal just as quickly as you can. Resume your interested but distant stance until things move in a more positive direction. This might take a whole lot longer that you would like, weeks, even months. However, you must be patient. As long as your spouse seems to be somewhat interested rather than pulling away, it's okay for your marriage to be in a holding pattern. It will try your patience, but what else do you have to do right now that could be as important as trying to save your marriage? Be patient.



I certainly expect some detractors to come behind me telling you to stay the course you are seemingly already on. Keeping your distance and making her chase you. They care about you just as I do and want to protect you from further emotional pain but you've had a window of opportunity here to save the mother of your children from making the biggest mistake of her life for awhile now. I'm estimating that she's just about done "pursuing" you (way wards think THEY are the prize...she just had some big shot Doctor chasing her so she FEELS like she's the deal right now). I KNOW it's wholly inadequate. I know she's still thinking and saying very hurtful things right now. But detaching enough so you can get in there and hack the spew while BEING the cocky arrogant man who knows he's the best man in the world for her and she'd be a fool not to reciprocate eventually is the best way to go. On behalf of your daughter/children that you DO love more than life itself I urge you to TRY to win over your wife's cold heart by being a resilient confident man who's not afraid of a little conflict and complaining.

Turn your FEAR into FAITH. You can be her hero and save her...if YOU choose to be. Sure she can reject it but she'll never be able to tell anyone you didn't try or you gave up on her and your family."

I responded...

GB,

I appreciate your response. And to be honest, even though it's only been a short time in my journey, I have questioned "doing nothing" in regards to saving my family. Now, of course, I haven't been doing nothing behind the scenes. I have been a rock solid father, GAL'ing as much as I can, and rediscovering my confidence. Yet, STBX did make some comments yesterday that troubled me.

One, she said that she did try calling in the past to express her interest in changing our present course. I don't know what this meant but it made me wonder.

Two, she said that she used to miss me a bunch but now she is just accepting everything as it is. GB, this would give credence to your theory that my window of opportunity is passing.

But, I'm torn just because her actions are pretty undeniably opposed to reconciliation.

Just thinking out loud here... I could call tonight around the regular time I call to say hello to the kids and say that I was in the area and would love to say hi to the kids in person, especially after D4's meltdown yesterday. Then, if things seem positive with STBX, I could ask her if she wants to grab a coffee and finish our conversation from yesterday.

Thoughts?

Then CaliGuy replied...
The kid stuff is so darn tough .... I do not have much to add or tell you .. I can see GB's line of thought and reasoning, this DB dance is a delicate and tricky one, I do think deep down you just need to trust and figure out what to do and when .. timing does seem to be a huge factor in all this, catching the WW in a good time and place does help.