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[BeingMe]

Hi Barb and Whatis, I remember you, and it seems all turned well for you as well. Shotgun, glad you beat cancer too. Cancer taught me something about life ... none of us survive it. Sickness is just around the corner and can bite you at the strangest, and worse moments. So, why then spend your time on Earth being miserable? While you're healthy and able, live your life to the fullest. My wanted to be friends, but I couldn't be friends with someone who has treated his family the way he has. For me, it came down to we either put every effort into saving the marriage or I walk away completely. He showed he wasn't going to put in any effort, so I had to walk away. I did this dance a few times until I didn't care whether he cared or not 'cause I didn't care. Now, it's too late, he can't come back, I don't want him. I cannot wait to be rid of him, and all the attachments (property, finances, etc.) are dealt with, so I don't even have to deal with him. I know, we have our children and I will have to see him sometimes, but I would like to keep it at a minimum. I feel nothing when I see him. On fathers day he came by the house, and I told him where the children were (at a lake with the grandkids dad). He looked at me for a few seconds as if he was going to say something. It wouldn't have mattered. He stepped up to me, and hugged me and gave me three pecks on the lips. I was unresponsive. A "whatever" attitude. Then he left on his motorbike, roaring down the road. I wanted to laugh. BTW, he does have the obligatory sports car of the MLCer.

I love this freedom of not feeling anything for him. He could be a dude walking down the street, and one I wouldn't even look at because of how he looks now. Not my type anymore. Apparently, physically speaking, I'm still his type because the GF kinda looks like me according to my son-in-law. It's just an interesting point.

Ultimately, when I look back on my marriage with clear eyes, I see a pattern of emotional abandonment, lying and cheating (and him telling me I'm imagining things or I'm jealous ... so NOT), never there as a husband or a father to the children. Most of the marriage I felt like a single mom, especially in the last 18 years of it. Yes, I own my part, over sensitive, nagging him to come home, not taking care of myself. So much more that I realized, and not the space to write it. Ha! Clarity is everything, and it will be a better relationship with the next person.

Sorry for the novel. I am a writer, so ....