Little Cloud of Dust - PigPen & The WAW (3)

[PigPen]

Thanks Asitis, I spent this morning in meditation and a solid 40 minutes with a pen and journal. Detaching is still very hard, especially this week when I know we will be meeting for the first time in 3 months.

I've sat with my fear now and know that it's the possible finality of my situation or at least perceived finality that is weighing on me. PMA'ing for me has been keeping that tiny kernel of hope alive despite all evidence to the contrary. However my fear (either rational or otherwise) IS that my W drops the D bomb and truly means it, during this meeting. It's just a fear. There are infinite possibilities I know, and I have had this fear in every one of our meetings since the moment she walked out.

When she came back 5 days after BD I thought she'd have paperwork, she was astounded that I would think so. When we met two weeks later, the same. When I came back from my trip to Central America, I figured that was waiting for me - it wasn't. It's been my fear all along, despite the emotional and energetic D that's already happened. Our M is dead, I see that, but the curious side of me still holds on to hope.

For some reason the fact that she hasn't filed is the rope that I cannot drop. At this point I still can't fathom a life without her, she has been an integral part of my story through so many chapters of my life that imagining any future chapter without her still stops me in my tracks. Detachment is not my strong suit. I miss my dog. I miss her.

This week, I am simply making myself as strong as possible even with the knot in my stomach that will not dissipate despite the meditating, journaling, GAL'ing, and exercising that is planned. It's ever present. I'm just going to have to breathe through it and keep expanding my stomach. There's a huge lesson in this week for me.

I see the value and importance of our upcoming meeting - as well as how it's just one small piece of this huge journey - and on some level know that my future doesn't hinge on the perfect word choices, or the perfect set of actions. Like you said, the effect may not be felt until much further down the road once everything gets a chance to settle in. Or it may not and she may show up ready to D me on the spot. Anything is possible. Anything. I've asked for a chance to show that I've made changes and this is the first of those chances. Walking into it strong, rested, and clearheaded is vital.