Summer of Growth and Acceptance

[V2pt0]

Job- Yes, you are correct. I still have expectations that my H act like we are still M or even that I exist. I know I need to change this expectatio, but it is hard as I still see us as M. I don't plan on mentioning any of this to H.

Matt- Yes, it did feel good to have a release, though I need to find an outlet that does not create extra work. Unfortunately, punching a pillow is not quite as affective for me.
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Yesterday was a much better day than Friday and Saturday. I think holidays are hard on me since I have no family here other that H and inlaws. Yes, I have friends, but it is not quite the same. I spend the day patching drywall and did a pretty darn good job. I went for walk and did some cleaning around the house. It is interesting was you can find without looking. Found some single packets tea in one of the kitchen cupboards I cleaned out that I am pretty sure was there for OW. I threw it out. Other than that I watched the WC and took a nap. It was overall a pretty decent day.

SIL posted pics from wedding on FB. Hardly recognize H in photos. He looks gaunt, angry, unhappy, and vacant. He does not look anything like the H prior to DB.

Other interesting FB happening. One of my H's FB friends who I do not know like the FB generated wedding anniversary update and my personal post to H from back in October of last year. Seemed a bit ironic considering what is going on and that this is not current. H would have received notification of this yesterday as well. I am sure he was less than thrilled with the reminder.

I did speak with my mom last night. We have been chatting more since I told her what is going on. I think her feelings are hurt that H never called to say thank you for bday present. Just very out of character for H has he would always call. I told her to not take it personal as H is not himself right now. She has started to remember some odd stuff my H said to her at Christmas. He asked her if she thought my dad was happy. He also mentioned that his mom had talked to him about how the family name is dying out--basically he was last hope of carrying on the family name/when are you having kids. So clearly, he was thinking about some stuff ten, but never mentioned either to me.

My parents have a very different M than his parents. They bicker and argue a lot, including in front of others. They also own a business together which of course adds a lot of additional pressure to M. H said his parents never seemed to fight or argue even growing up. My dad does seem unhappy much of the time, but he has always been that way. Again, my H equates happiness too M and not something you create within. Yes, of course your M is going to influence it, but it is not fair to expect your spouse to be responsible for your complete happiness. Anyway, it seems he clearly had some stuff on his mind when we where at my parents house.

Anyway, need to work on some things for this week. Will continue to read Breaking the Chain of Low Self-Esteem. Hope to get to the corresponding workbook by the weekend. Certainly see aspects of this in both myself and H. We both have stuff to work on in this area if we want to have a healthy relationship together. I am thankful to have this time to start working on my issues. H will need to hit rock bottom and end A before he gets there. Anyway, this is my personal focus for the next few weeks/ months as it really is the root of many of my behavioral issues.

As far as GAL, will continue to workout, have Meetup on Friday, and art class on Saturday. I am sure I will add in some other stuff as the week progresses.