Hello Sandi and everyone! I hope you are all doing well on here. Sorry i have not been on updating, i will try to be more frequent with updates when they are big. ALOT has happened (good and bad), so this may be long but i figured it all needed! Also, i need the guys help here also as something new has started and i am not sure what’s up, literally...
So let me just say this, Sandi I reread everything and you have pretty much been spot on with the stuff you have said so please be honest as you understand my position and better, hers. There was been good and bad over the last couple weeks, but dare I say, mostly good in the babay step type of way!? Anyways, I have been applying the DB principles to what I feel fit and seems to be working, Ill admit I have backed off though and need advice on whether I should have or not. Go back two week and it was TERRIBLE, just as things took a turn, as Sandi warned me, we took ten steps back, but now it may be for the better. SO, we have started marriage counseling (Christian consoler), I was going to wait like several of you said but she showed interest so I decided to give it a try and to my surprise she has been engaging, talking, and listening to what’s being shared and even more importantly, she been really talking! After the first session we took the 5 love languages tests together and found out we were clueless. Mine was physical touch and words of affirmation/gift giving. Her’s were acts of service and gift giving, and as you could guess, he low was physical touch and my low was acts of service, who knew? Anyways, we have been trying to better understand this and apply some of the concepts.
SO the first session actually got us talking about real stuff/connecting, albeit it small, but she heavily engaged to my surprise (included the book she wrote on the intake form for it). While things looked good and I thought we took some babysteps, what Sandi warned me of happened, an she went home (actually home) and her mom finally confronted her on everything and apparently did not beat around the bush. Where did I mess up you ask? Sandi warned me of this and after her mom flat out confronter her about everything and how she could be so stupid, etc… (don’t know what was actually shared), my W was FURIOUS! When she came home after that, I got nothing for 2 days, not one word (after having a great week), I asked what happened and she admitting over text to her mom cornering her and how pissed she was and disappointed in me because after the confrontation we decided to not talk to anyone about our issues. Unfortunately I had spoken to her mom before this happened and she held onto it for a month (when I thought I had no options)… needless to say, this canceled all progress and forced me to retreat and once again, apologies for hurting her feelings, potentially damaging their relationship and messing up. Prior to this, I think the DBing and me being quite kind of started to pull her in as she sensed I was serious about leaving, and of course, this put it all back in her court. Anyways, to put it to bed and pick my battles, I went full out in the apology and she did accept it and say ‘thank you ‘. So after that, I managed to slightly recover ( I honestly thought that was it) and keep her around and move past what had happened. This however meant the biggest supports knew what she had done now by cheating on me (exposure). The good from this you ask? She cut off communication from the OM and decided to work on the marriage and give it another go! She has official said this now in counseling when the consoler flat out ask, what about the OM, are you still talking to him because for you to repair your marriage, that must completely end. She agreed and said she has stopped (basically right after the confrontation). So this past week, we are still going to consoling and communicating better than we had in months. I do believe she has stopped talking to OM, she has actually left her phone around more recently when she’s left the room, and computer open. I finished my hall wall project (whats ive been doing to stay busy and not chase her) and she actually made a point to say good job, it looks nice, I like… and then took pictures and posting them on FB tanking me. I believe this is her trying to get the words of affirmation I said I really appreciate when I hear. She been doing this the last couple times I cleaned a room and cooked dinner for us also. While this is small, I believe this is a step of her slightly reengaging, am I right?
Also a HUGE step, we know she has been horrible to me in terms of criticizing prior to the last couple weeks and yelling or getting made at nothing, well thanks to you guys, im not taking it anymore. The other day (her bad lady week), she came home from work where she told me she had a bad day and didn’t sleep well, so I bought her a little ice cream thing after work just because (gift giving), well she exploded totally unexpectedly. She said I had a bad day, again, your overcompensating and I hate it, you don’t need to get me anything, just me be. Well as you can tell, this killed me, but I manned up right then and there and said, “W, you told me you had a bad day and had to work late and yoru insides hurt, I got out early and drove past the ice cream store and got you something to make you feel better, I did nothing to cause you to react like this and it completely uncalled for. All I did was get you a small something to make you feel better on my way home! I am sick of being yelled at when I did nothing wrong to bring it on!”. I then walked out of the house to collect myself (held strong saying that) and worked on painting some doors, well unlike the last 6 months and for the first time, she actually came out of the house and APOLOGIZED! I was dumbfounded, she said she was sorry, she had a bad day and took it out on me, and she actually really liked the ice cream. I didn’t overdo it and just replied, thanks, and continued painting. We acted ok the rest of the night. Again, I think this is a small step in the right direction because a month ago, she would never have come out and apologized to me.
Along with that, we have been non-eventful. She still appears to be not talking to OM and trying to start to work on us, starting come convos and sharing jokes on her phone, asking for help with dinner so we are together in the same room (consoling recommended), and talking about small stuff as well as some future stuff surprisingly, like the house projects, but overall she still feels very distant as I would expect. However, I believe we have started making progress, which is why I wrote all this to fill you all in because I don’t want to mess this up. She is still shying away from intimacy though, so maybe sandi can help me there as too what she may be feeling. She still doesn’t say ‘love you’ unless I do (which I have backed way off), and I think she is grieving the loss of OM, hints the lack on intimacy. Some songs about cheating of, lost loves…etc, she had been playing she is VERY quick to turn off or change I noticed. She did the same thing when ‘the notebook’ or something came on which she used to love.
Anyways, sorry for the book, I hope you take the time to read it, but I wanted to get it out and ensure I convered everything so you all could be caught up and help with more advice. While I may sound like im encouraged, I understand this is a very long road of more ups and downs.
