Crisortunity - A beautiful world with endless possibilities.

[Pyrite]

Again, self-indulgent, but perhaps useful for anyone that might catch on half way through and help with their own situation.

Last night I woke up. Again, I don’t remember what it was I was dreaming exactly. Although, nearly every night lately when I wake up in the middle of the night I recall working through my situation, organizing my thoughts rationally, which is supposed to be what happens when we sleep but this has still been surprising for me. That I have been generally so rational. Not that long ago, more often than not, I would wake up anxious and in in pain.

I have two ICs ATM. I am transitioning to the newer of the two, but I still have sessions left with the original IC that are being paid for by work. The 1st commented on my W sounding as if she has Aspergers (AS). The 2nd doesn’t discount this but tends more towards a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). One of her many comments was that people with AS tend towards Rs with people who also exhibit AS traits. In some respects it is arguable that I do, but IC sees it significantly more apparent that I exhibit Mr Nice Guy (MNG) traits. Just the type that NPD tend towards.

Anyway, the above is issue one. The second issue I mentioned in an earlier post that I might come back to. My unhealthy core-beliefs. Basically core beliefs are the bottom layer of your thought process through which everything gets filtered. Because they are so deeply embedded, they almost always go unnoticed. Possibly the most useful description I have read has to do with identifying unhealthy core beliefs. Is there a particular compliment that makes you feel uneasy? Chances are at the bottom of this is an unhealthy core belief.

For example. My W tells me a colour t-shirt suits me. I am uneasy. I don’t think she is being disingenuous. Examining why I feel uneasy, I disagree that any colour “suits” me. Nothing can suit me. I am ugly – the core belief. Another example – I am in a meeting and agitated, reluctant to interject with my opinion. I “know” my opinion will be dismissed. My opinions are not valued – core belief. But it is also a good identifier that there is often no evidence to support that reaction. In this case, there is not only no evidence to support it, there are mountains of evidence to support that it is absolutely wrong. I win awards and get promoted ahead of schedule repeatedly. So whyTF would I feel agitated, anxious etc that my opinions are not respected. Unhealthy!

So anyway, I wake up – and I am so alert – and on the tip of my tongue is OMG! OMG! She has been controlling me for 12 years! I have been played for 12 years. I have been working my arse off to please her. She accused me of being controlling at BD, and I agreed and apologized, but what have I ever got out of it. Controlling? To what end? I had no say in how our kids were raised. If I had an opinion I was vetoed with “Are you questioning my instinct as a mother?”

My time with the kids is great. I can parent however I like. I bought d4 some flip-flops. She loves them. W never let me. Our whole R I put dinner on the table for her Cleaned up. Cleaned the house. Finances. Everything. She had a life of luxury. What did I ever get? Sex once every couple of months. With a condom. As a married couple!?!?

The NPD made perfect sense in this light. I told my Mum about the OMG moment. She just smiled and nodded. I asked her if she had ever thought this. “Why didn’t you say something?” “I did. We all did.” I remember one day after complaining about d4’s sleeping routine my sister asked me angrily “Don’t you have a say in your childs upbringing”. “Apparently not.” I replied. Semi-humorously. When we bought our house my Mum pointed out all of the pitfalls to which I agreed. So she asked, “So why are you buying it then?” My reply was “because W likes it”.

So why didn’t they slap me. Because W is a sweetheart, and I was desperately in love. Yes – she is a sweetheart. In her defense, I honestly don’t think she is even aware of it.

This is where I diverted yet again. Yes – I don’t think she is aware of manipulating our life together so that she lived the good life with everything taken care of. She honestly believed that I was controlling. An example for Smothy to consider – W honestly believed that my efficient stacking of the dishwasher and criticising her efforts were controlling. And in a sense it was. But who watched TV, and who did the dishes? ?Quo Bono? This was the same with everything.

And she is still controlling me. I am in the wings. She knows it. She does little things, like she compliments my funny stories when I send her updates about the kids. It keeps me in tow. She used to intermittently, casually call me darling, until I caught her out on that.

Dont get me wrong. I don’t think she is pure evil. I still believe there is hope for our R. But there is a lot to work through. I have had to go through all this to work out how screwed my core beliefs are that I don’t even stand up for myself. My mum commented that the OM looks like a complete sop. And I have met him, I think he is probably more that than an evil predator. I am considering that maybe he is just a stupid 24 year old that really has no moral compass yet, and W was complicit because she can control him.

I should also point out that my diversion is away from NPD or any “disorder”. More like a personality that exhibits traits of an NPD. We are just two ordinary people in a R. What happened was that in our R, in the 1st year of d4’s life, W was e getting all the love she needed from utter dependence of newborn. She didn’t need it from me. She didn’t return it to me. I felt unloved, un-needed. Voicing this was seen by her as additional pressure on her to accommodate my needs as well as baby.

As the years passed, the babies grew aere not so dependent. She returned to looking at me for co-dependence. But I had detached from the R because I had lived with it for years. So she found it somewhere else. She found someone that makes her feel loved. I am devastated because I never stopped loving her. I was waiting for a time when she needed my love again. Unfortunately, as life would have it, I was 2 years into a detached R before this happened. A new R was easier to pursue.

Her R with OM is almost certain to collapse. Maybe we can re-connect. Maybe not. Right now though, I feel free. I feel like I am the person I was 13 years ago. I am learning how I got so lost and maybe how to get back there permanently, rebuild him, better, stronger – and all for just 6 Million dollars.

Sorry, no time to edit. Hope this makes some sense. (Cadet - truly a gift )

-Py