Really Random Ramblings

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone. I just wanted to journal a bit, but first, MrBond:

I agree with wonka that I don't think you should get another rat for the time being. To be honest, they are a crutch for you and hinders your interactions with others. To you, they represent something that you can control. You know what to do, where they are, how long they'll live, etc.

Very true sir. They also represent something that will love me unconditionally and won't hurt me. I sure do miss the little girls though. As of right now, I don't plan on getting any more. But then again, I can't make up my mind about anything these days. I'll walk into a convenience store to get something to drink and spend an eternity trying to figure out what I want. Even my boys have noticed. Someone told me recently that I may have a slight case of PTSD. I'm very emotional when I see something sad and am very indecisive. On the other hand, there are some things that I'm just completely numb about.

I'll agree with what you said about my friend at work. I'm ok with being just friends with her. We still have some great conversations and she has been sharing a lot more with me. She has also been hurt very bad in the past.

Counselor? I saw one off and on a while back. I just don't feel comfortable. I may try going back again.

Journaling:

I'm doing much better as far as XW is concerned. Things still bother me from time to time, but I'm doing so much better. I've seen her a few times lately at S22's shows, but that's it. She acts like she wants to say hello (although she hasn't) and I can pretty much care less. I really don't care if we ever talk again. Maybe that is wrong of me? I don't know.

I'm doing better as far as my little ratties are concerned. I sure do miss them though and think of them everyday. I can't put into words what I felt for them. They were my babies. I have them both tattooed on my arm and have their remains on my nightstand. I know. Ridiculous right? Five years ago, I would have never believed it if somebody would have told me that I would be that way towards two little rats. But....I've changed. I've changed a lot towards animals AND people. Example: last night while getting out of my car at work, I stumbled across a smashed bug. I think it was a cockroach. What did I do? I felt bad for it. Yeah, a bug.

In early June, I got a new pair of glasses because my eyes have been really bothering me. Well, last week I went back and had them checked again. It turns out that I need another pair. I should get the new prescription next week. The doctor seems to think it could be because I work in the dark.

I feel so old. And look old too. I kind of had a weird conversation with S22 the other day. We were out to dinner. When the bill came, I was getting out my debit card and figuring out the tip. I must have been fumbling or taking too long because he says:

S22: "Look at you." (Giggling a little, but I could tell he was serious.)

Me: "What?"

S22: "You're falling apart."

Me: "What do you mean?"

S22: "You're falling apart. You're a mess. You seem so much older than what you are."

Me: "I know. I feel like I've aged 10 or 15 years just in the last five."

S22: "It's bad though. Just in the last year it's gotten really bad."

Me: "I know."

S22: "It's kind of depressing."

So, I guess I'm not the only one that has noticed.

My big thing that I've been REALLY struggling with lately is getting out of the house. I have no problem going out with my boys, but can't seem to do anything with myself or for myself. Since this all started, I've had a hard time getting out and doing things, but just in the last month or so, around the time when my rattie got really feeble, it has been really bad. When I start my work week, I tell myself "I'm going to do something this weekend." Then, the turmoil starts. I fight with myself. As it gets closer to my weekend, it gets worse. I'm getting to the point where I don't even care what it is....I just need to do something. It is almost a desperate need to get out, but I come up with excuses not to. Then when the weekend is over, and I haven't done anything, I'm almost disappointed and even p!ssed with myself for not doing anything. Then, I go back to work and the week-long fight starts all over again. Last weekend, I thought of seven different things that I could do. I then came up with seven excuses not to do anything. I think if I could just get out one time....just ONCE, it would be so good for me. I would like to meet people and maybe even a lady, but I'm scared. I have no confidence at all and I'm scared. I guess I'll keep trying. I'm going to try again this weekend. Wish me luck.....

Tad