Hi Prowl. One of the reasons my ex ended our relationship was because I told him I had considered taking a bottle of sleeping pills to end the pain of my depression. It was the last straw for him. I thought by sharing my suicidal thoughts with him, he finally understand how much pain I was in with the depression.
So many of us get the feelings and the thoughts you describe. I probably more than most get the introvert nature and the desire to be connected and not knowing how to make that happen. Like you I struggled as a child, adolescent and young adult with making and keeping friendships. I didn't know how they worked and were maintained. The people who came into my life I became attached to me very strongly and very quickly and when they left my life for whatever reason, I was left devastated, on one occasion resulting in a suicide attempt age 21.
The loss or change in any relationship for me sends me into a tail spin of self doubt, negative self talk and deep feelings of abandonment and rejection. These feelings have brought me here.
Like me Prowl this is your work, this is why you are here! Your pain and your lack of self worth and shame make your doubt you're worth loving, make you feel that your life is not worth living. I have spent 20 years running from myself, looking at suicide as an option. My mantra through life was to give everything a try to make life better, but if it turns to sh*t, I can always kill myself.
In recent years and even months, and from many special people here (Zues and lady V, and U-turn and Zelda and Gan.), who took the time to ask me my story and to tell me that my story and who I am is as valuable as anyone else here on the board. I have learned that I have place in this world, no matter how small or quiet it might be I have a place.
Prowl you have a place, the most important place is that just being you is enough, then being a father. I had a father who abandoned me emotionally and its legacy is far reaching. So far reaching that it plays it self out in every thought of suicide I have had in my life. please do not leave that legacy for your children. You may not have your wife for right now and you may not have the life you want right now, and you may be scared about the future and what it looks like, but you have the love of your children and the support and love of your DB friends. Please let that be enough for this one day. Tomorrow we will find a few more reasons to remain hopeful about a life worth living.
I hope this helps! I am here, I have your back, find me on my thread. I will be coming by regularly for an update on YOU!
Thank you for posting and letting us see your vulnerability, your humanity! You let us be better human beings by doing so. You are a gift!!!
