WW/WAW Looking for advice from the pros (Sandi)

[Prowl]

I don't know why she keeps calling me. This time it was to tell me that she wants to contact a real estate agent tomorrow and and get the house on the market..

She then went back into how much happier she is now that we have been seperated. I asked her if she was ever happy. She responded with "Not as happy as I could have been". I asked her where I failed in our marriage to make her happy. She told me I never supported her. That I didn't make her feel good about herself. I tried to refute that by reminding her that I always called her "beautiful" (That was my nickname for her) She came back with "I know I'm beautful, It was everything else you failed to make me feel good about"

Then it got ugly. I took the bait and I didn't care. I asked her if her new man made her feel good about herself. If he did the things and didn't do and said the things I failed to say.. I told her it didn't matter that she denies having anyone else, that eventually he would emerge. She was taken back a little by this sentence and asked me to repeat what I just said. I said it again and she laughed... She said "Well I guess you'll find out then huh? Sign the papers!"

After a few more minutes of arguing about her possible A I asked her why she would hurt me and throw 8 men in my face when I was begging for her to save our family. Her response "Don't worry I chose the best out of the 8". I then quietly hung up.

Can I be honest... I'm so F*&%ing exhausted. Mentally and emotionally i've had it. That last sentence hurt. Suicide immedicatly came to my mind on how to make this God awful pain stop. I honestly don't want to fight this battle anymore. She doesn't want me, why can't I accept that? She has found someone better and more suited to her. Once again in my life I will be alone. I was a lonely kid that made up imaginary playmates to jump with on the tramp. A kid whos parents would buy him expensive toys so that the other kids in the neighborhood would play with him (For a short time). In High School I had one friend but eventually lost him to a different crowd. I remember walking the halls alone with my head down so no one would notice me. I transfered high schools because I made friends with a co-worker and just wanted one friend to talk to. That friend graduated and I was left alone my senior year.

Now this... My best friend of 19 years leaving me and treating me like the garbage that I feel I am. I'm honestly considering walking out of my job tonight and not returning. Putting this all behind me. Walking away from the life I knew and starting somewhere else. it's either that or take my own life. I can't do this anymore. I can't face being rejected by one more person. I can't do it. I don't want to do it. I'm so tired of being alone.