D12 and I went to the July 4th parade in the village I cover. It felt really good. I felt a real part of things. People were waving to me as I took photos and smiling for the camera. I'm being identified as the newspaper and it's nice. And, people like me and like the work I've been doing.
Shortly before the parade, D12 and I looked at a house for rent. I'd be 15 minutes from my office, as opposed to 40 minutes. It's a 1950s ranch and reminds me a bit of the home we left in Ohio. That part is hard. I felt so trapped in that house... trapped by repairs needing attention.
However, it's in a neighborhood I cover where I have a few friends. The neighborhood is a small hamlet and there are some really impoverished houses... like a junk yard sits down the street. However, there are some beautiful homes too. Right across the street is a beautiful view... not the Adirondacks we have now... but pretty rolling hillsides and an old well-maintained stone farm.
The house is weird because it is a bit dilapidated on the outside and has Viking appliances, newer furnace, clawfoot tub... but the outside has been neglected. The basement smells really moldy. The windows have paint on them and dirt.
The rent is $350 cheaper than what I have now. But, I'd be responsible for yardwork and plowing... which I am now... I'd have to find someone to mow and plow. However, it's more like the home we had in Ohio and there's a yard with a garden and woods in back. D12 and the lab could explore.
I'm torn. The house doesn't have nearly as many windows and it's not as bright as where we live now, but it has some potential. Still, it needs some cleaning. There wouldn't be tennis courts and the prettiness we are used to now.
But, it's much smaller. Two smaller bedrooms and one bath. Having D20 home and visitors wouldn't be as easy. But, we don't have visitors from home anyway.
I'd be about 5-10 minutes from Lake O. Much closer to things like Target... homeschool groups in the bigger city. Half an hour closer to Syracuse, so I could try to hook D12 up with those homeschool groups.
Plus, the tutor we have now is the special ed teacher at the local school I cover. She has mentioned before she could put in a word for us if we tried to get D12 mainstreamed for a half-day. D12 loves this tutor. The school district we have now doesn't do half-days. And, the tutor thinks D12 would be overwhelmed with a full day and full classroom.
The guy who manages the home gave off a little bit of a creepy vibe... sorta like he was coming on to me. Told me about his impending divorce and wife who he caught cheating. Ick. But, he was really open to repairing things in order for me to take the place... new carpet for D12's room, painting D12's room. Whoever redid the house, replaced all the molding and the manager guy seemed worried about painting the place because of the possibility of getting paint on the molding. I understand that, but the place felt a bit gloomy.
Still, it means committing to staying here for another year.
I'm so torn. When I envision what works best for us right now, I see an apartment within a complex where things like garbage/plowing are included.
I wish I had been more careful about where we landed. But, I've learned a great deal and I seem to be getting quick responses to the small number of resumes I've sent out.
When I imagine the ideal place for us... I see somewhere like Asheville.
I feel cut right in half. I stay here. I see myself throwing myself into this paper and making it a little paper worthy of some small awards. But, it feels darker and less filled with light--does this make sense?
I see how D12 could make some friends.
I hate the fact D12 has lived with uncertainty for so long. And, the uncertainty followed us to NY. She needs me to make a decision and settle. She just does. But, she is torn too.
I know that when I'm stressed, I tend to overthink things and make things more complicated than they need to be.
I do see this house as a solution to some of that stress. I'd be 15 minutes from meetings and events and I could easily drop off D12 when I need to go somewhere. There are a couple of friends I have in the area who could help me. I could see myself becoming a part of the community.
But, if I hold out for another position in this rental I can't afford?? Will I find something with the same flexibility this job affords... albeit with some jerks I have to work with. They have still trained the hell outta me and I respect that.
I need D12 to be happy. That's my bottom line. I need her to be content. I dragged her away from a safe place with safe people. She is becoming increasingly frustrated and discouraged. She does not want to move to this little house and I'm not sure she could fit all of her stuff in that small room.
We're both sick of this transition. What's keeping my faith alive is knowing that I'm not only shedding a former life in Ohio, but a former self and that's not something that gets figured out in 8-9 months. I'm recreating myself and it's unrealistic to expect that I'd get it perfect right out of the gate.
When I think of it that way, I think why not hold out for what I really want? The finances, the details... none of it makes sense when I think about moving to Asheville. But, that's a lot more stress. But, D12 wants outta here. And, I've spent a long time NOT enjoying my life. I'm ready to get to it. Could I do that here? I don't know.
Last edited by LoisB; 07/05/1507:20 PM.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson