I am so sorry for your pain, lost. How did you interact with her when she came home from her "night out"? Did you confront her about what you know?
It's time to change your game plan just a bit, but first, take time to regroup. Today will not be the happiest of birthdays, but you may be able to prevent it becoming worse, First however, if you can tell us if she knows that you know it went PA.
Please do not engage in any R discussions at the moment. Get alone to regroup and so you can communicate with the board before doing anything else.
Confronted and admitted. The desk clerk called her when I asked directions to her room. So, she knows I know and called me on my way home. What followed was a tearful reckoning over 3 hours last night. She started very sad and contrite, willing to go NC with OM immediately, willing to go to MC with me on Thursday. But already in the light of day she is backing off that and saying that she wants to wait to decide on NC after talking to therapist.
I am very close to abandoning DBing. The level of deceit that she engaged in to get to that tryst, standing in that room... It was all so horrible.
I thought we had about a 20% shot before. Now it's about 2%. I welcome your advice.
Last, I feel for you. I have no idea whether my W is in a PA or not, but I can only imagine the hurt and sadness of encountering the clear evidence of a PA.
With that said, what exactly is your plan for dropping DBing? Even if you file for divorce right this second, it doesn't really change anything, right? Keep focusing on you. You'll come out ahead either way.
Last, I am so sorry for what you are going through just now. It is excruciatingly painful to discover that. It may feel like there are no plusses to this situation, but actually 'busting' a PA and bringing it into the light of day is an important step in the process.
As we know, A's survive and thrive on secrecy, fantasy, passion, excitement. Bringing them into the light of day and under scrutiny changes the dynamic and undermines their 'power.'
This is such a volatile time for you, and it is important to take care of yourself as best you can and hold true to your own values. I agree with others on MC. Until or unless your W agrees to important conditions and is 'all in' for trying to rebuild, MC is likely a waste of time.
That said, I don't think your chances reduced from 20% to 2%. Busting a PA actually moves things on a step. I think much of your future hope and chances for possible R depend on you. How patient you can be, whether you are able to forgive and work through the betrayal and so on.
For now I would say look after yourself, hold true to your values and keep posting.
Take care my friend ((((Last))))
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Last, I am so sorry for what you are going through just now. It is excruciatingly painful to discover that. It may feel like there are no plusses to this situation, but actually 'busting' a PA and bringing it into the light of day is an important step in the process.
As we know, A's survive and thrive on secrecy, fantasy, passion, excitement. Bringing them into the light of day and under scrutiny changes the dynamic and undermines their 'power.'
This is such a volatile time for you, and it is important to take care of yourself as best you can and hold true to your own values. I agree with others on MC. Until or unless your W agrees to important conditions and is 'all in' for trying to rebuild, MC is likely a waste of time.
That said, I don't think your chances reduced from 20% to 2%. Busting a PA actually moves things on a step. I think much of your future hope and chances for possible R depend on you. How patient you can be, whether you are able to forgive and work through the betrayal and so on.
For now I would say look after yourself, hold true to your values and keep posting.
Take care my friend ((((Last))))
It is excruciating. Yesterday was my birthday and the combined events of birthday & holiday kept things quiet. We played well together and put on a very believable family holiday complete with scrapbook photos. Photos which I will always remember as being taken the day after my wife slept with OM.
What was discovered was a pretty fast affair. My wife met OM just 2 weeks ago on her cheating website. The same one she said was just for fun and she'd "never" actually meet someone because they are all bad guys that cheat on their wives". They talked periodically. When my wife spent the day at a beach festival with friends a week ago, it just so happened that he was working the event. They met in person for the first time. She says only for a few minutes as he worked.
What followed was more chat and planning for a meetup. Friday was that meetup. Met about 8:30, done by about 10, and home by 11. She was busted by 12:15 and so she says she has not even had a chance to process her feelings on the events. She feels terrible. She hates herself for it. She knows it was wrong. She says she can't figure out why she continues to engage in behavior that is so destructive, but that she wants to understand it. Mentioned she wants to go to IC because she needs an outlet that is not me.
At the same time though, her thoughts go back to wanting a real household separation. And she says that if she is separated, she wants to continue to date. Oh, but that doesn't mean that WE could continue to date too.
So far she has mentioned separating and dating, she has asked about whether I'd consider open marriage as well. Looking to keep me as provider and father while sleeping around it sounds like.
Also today I got this: "I need to figure out if I love you as a husband, or as a person". Which after some discussion was pretty much the same as: "I need to figure out if ILYBINILWY"
Also worth noting is that she is saying that she wants the marriage to survive, but that she is hesitant because over the past 15 years we have had multiple instances where she decided to give us another shot only to be hurt again because my patterns (the ones that contributed my 50% of our marriage decline) never changed. She would always kick herself for letting herself get hurt again. The difference this time is that she appears to be in a "now or never" mindset. She is turning 40, she's unhappy, time is runny out.
Does that sound like MLC talk?
Last edited by Last; 07/05/1503:05 PM.
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
Another question I have is what is with me? I just found this out at 12:00am yesterday. Why am I not more angry? Why am I not plotting to leave? Why don't I hate her for what she has done? Why am I so centered and certain that I want my marriage to work when I just found out my wife had sex with OM on Friday???
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
Would it make you feel better if it was?! She is addicted to cybersex. Plain and simple as that. I told you it would be a matter of time before she would start meeting face to face. It starts with heavy flirting on line, then leads to the camera, then, well........use your imagination. As someone said, it accelerates. The men push to meet in person for the purpose of having sex. They may say things like "just meet to talk or have drinks" but their goal is sex.
Last, don't try to make excuses for her, and I see many men who actually want to believe a MLC is somehow making her do these awful acts, rather than to believe his W could be wayward.
Pretending to be a normal family, as though nothing at all has happened.......is exactly what you do NOT need to do. Look back at your previous post describing all she said about her feelings and what she wants. Not once was anything said about you! Her being caught will not change her addiction. She is grasping at anything she believes will work on you at the moment. Tears, talk of not knowing why she wants this, talk of seeing an IC, and etc., .......it's all smoke.
The only chance, IMO, is for her to believe you are dumping her. She will continue to put you through this hell as long as she can manipulate your brain. She has to believe you don't want her, are no longer attracted to her, and will do not want to be in the same room with her. I know many LBH'S are too afraid, but this is the time to switch the dynamics in this MR.
She has no intentions of stopping her cybersex. None! You would not listen when we tried to warn you what was going on. I hope you will listen now.
You don't feel more anger b/c you are in shock.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Would it make you feel better if it was?! She is addicted to cybersex. Plain and simple as that. I told you it would be a matter of time before she would start meeting face to face. It starts with heavy flirting on line, then leads to the camera, then, well........use your imagination. As someone said, it accelerates. The men push to meet in person for the purpose of having sex. They may say things like "just meet to talk or have drinks" but their goal is sex.
Last, don't try to make excuses for her, and I see many men who actually want to believe a MLC is somehow making her do these awful acts, rather than to believe his W could be wayward.
Pretending to be a normal family, as though nothing at all has happened.......is exactly what you do NOT need to do. Look back at your previous post describing all she said about her feelings and what she wants. Not once was anything said about you! Her being caught will not change her addiction. She is grasping at anything she believes will work on you at the moment. Tears, talk of not knowing why she wants this, talk of seeing an IC, and etc., .......it's all smoke.
The only chance, IMO, is for her to believe you are dumping her. She will continue to put you through this hell as long as she can manipulate your brain. She has to believe you don't want her, are no longer attracted to her, and will do not want to be in the same room with her. I know many LBH'S are too afraid, but this is the time to switch the dynamics in this MR.
She has no intentions of stopping her cybersex. None! You would not listen when we tried to warn you what was going on. I hope you will listen now.
You don't feel more anger b/c you are in shock.
I want to execute a change in the dynamics. I want to set a clear boundary and make it known that I am finished. What are some ways to execute this?
My concern is that if I leave the family home I hurt my children immediately. I also create a defacto custody arrangement that a divorce court may decide to continue.
How do I get that message across without looking vindictive?
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
Quite a shock, and I'm sorry for your pain. I think the worst thing you could do during this initial state of shock is to make decisions and changes. In a couple days or a couple weeks you will likely see things a bit differently and decide that you don't want to stick with those changes. You don't want to be seen as too reactive to her or inconsistent and unstable in crisis.
Give yourself the space and time for the dust to settle. Don't insist that she explain herself, push her to do anything, etc. Detach, get away from her if you need to. Let her also digest what she has done and the pain she has caused and how you did not react by trying to control her.
Take care of yourself.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
No, YOU don't leave the home and your children. She is the guilty party here, not you. There are other steps you can take first. Look back at the first thread I posted on help for the newcomer LBH'S with WW. Reviewing it right now will help you feel that a plan will come together.
Board traffic is slow on Sundays. In the morning, things will pick up again.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
No, YOU don't leave the home and your children. She is the guilty party here, not you. There are other steps you can take first. Look back at the first thread I posted on help for the newcomer LBH'S with WW. Reviewing it right now will help you feel that a plan will come together.
Board traffic is slow on Sundays. In the morning, things will pick up again.
Reading through it again and again. So much pain. Her too. She is dying inside I can see it. Why would she choose to sacrifice so much for 30 sweaty minutes in a crappy hotel room???
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
