2 Post - learning too slowly

[Last]

Last, I am so sorry for what you are going through just now. It is excruciatingly painful to discover that. It may feel like there are no plusses to this situation, but actually 'busting' a PA and bringing it into the light of day is an important step in the process.

As we know, A's survive and thrive on secrecy, fantasy, passion, excitement. Bringing them into the light of day and under scrutiny changes the dynamic and undermines their 'power.'

This is such a volatile time for you, and it is important to take care of yourself as best you can and hold true to your own values. I agree with others on MC. Until or unless your W agrees to important conditions and is 'all in' for trying to rebuild, MC is likely a waste of time.

That said, I don't think your chances reduced from 20% to 2%. Busting a PA actually moves things on a step. I think much of your future hope and chances for possible R depend on you. How patient you can be, whether you are able to forgive and work through the betrayal and so on.

For now I would say look after yourself, hold true to your values and keep posting.

Take care my friend ((((Last))))

It is excruciating. Yesterday was my birthday and the combined events of birthday & holiday kept things quiet. We played well together and put on a very believable family holiday complete with scrapbook photos. Photos which I will always remember as being taken the day after my wife slept with OM.

What was discovered was a pretty fast affair. My wife met OM just 2 weeks ago on her cheating website. The same one she said was just for fun and she'd "never" actually meet someone because they are all bad guys that cheat on their wives". They talked periodically. When my wife spent the day at a beach festival with friends a week ago, it just so happened that he was working the event. They met in person for the first time. She says only for a few minutes as he worked.

What followed was more chat and planning for a meetup. Friday was that meetup. Met about 8:30, done by about 10, and home by 11. She was busted by 12:15 and so she says she has not even had a chance to process her feelings on the events. She feels terrible. She hates herself for it. She knows it was wrong. She says she can't figure out why she continues to engage in behavior that is so destructive, but that she wants to understand it. Mentioned she wants to go to IC because she needs an outlet that is not me.

At the same time though, her thoughts go back to wanting a real household separation. And she says that if she is separated, she wants to continue to date. Oh, but that doesn't mean that WE could continue to date too.

So far she has mentioned separating and dating, she has asked about whether I'd consider open marriage as well. Looking to keep me as provider and father while sleeping around it sounds like.

Also today I got this: "I need to figure out if I love you as a husband, or as a person". Which after some discussion was pretty much the same as: "I need to figure out if ILYBINILWY"

Also worth noting is that she is saying that she wants the marriage to survive, but that she is hesitant because over the past 15 years we have had multiple instances where she decided to give us another shot only to be hurt again because my patterns (the ones that contributed my 50% of our marriage decline) never changed. She would always kick herself for letting herself get hurt again. The difference this time is that she appears to be in a "now or never" mindset. She is turning 40, she's unhappy, time is runny out.

Does that sound like MLC talk?