Vanilla Fudged 19

[asitis]

Zelda

Some days are ok, I function but can't perform. At least I am doing something. Other days I flaff and fluff and I get nothing done.

I panic and feel exhausted, permanent hard knots of anxiety. My stomach feels like there is a solid rock in it. My heart is heavy, my knees hurt.

The weather is good but I don't want to be outside. Mainly I feel like resting but I still don't feel less tired.

I go GAL and there are moments when it's ok, brief glimpses of normality.

This is not about WH, it is about being.

I haven't checked my email for a week, there could be time bombs.

I let myself off the hook for this, I know it has to be, it is part of the trauma healing process and I must face it down. I accept that joylessness is part of the pain. I will get as much from this as I can, it's part of life.

Today is another day, I want to be well, extreme care. I have given up sugar, alcohol goes completely too. Exercise will come next.

I want to be really well, I want to eat, glow and nourish, but it seems like too much like hard work and I will just have to push through it.

I have been reading books about abuse, whilst that fixes some ideas other thoughts emerge. It takes two to Tango, you can't be abused without your consent. But that's not my experience, at the point I said I will not be abused, it worsened, I changed I set boundaries. I tried almost everything I could, every technique. I looked at posture, tone, neutrality, grey breeze block, STFU, walk away, coolness, responses, anger return, withdrawal, and validating. And I prayed for guidance for WH to stop because he wanted to stop.

I tried intervention, VSO support and counselling. I consulted, discussed, sought help from my higher power.

At the end of the day all I have is NC, pitch black but that hasn't stopped it. The wretch turns up unexpectedly, texts and rants. All about money.

This abuser abuses, did I train him this was rewarding, is it in him?

At this point I do not care why, I just want it to stop.

V

Hi V,

I'm sorry you are struggling still. I wanted to say a couple things.

First, you did not train him by allowing him to reap rewards from abusing you. He had those tendencies long, long before. His addictions may have gotten worse during the years with you, and that may have lead to him becoming more abusive, but that's also not something you had any control over.

The "two to tango" notion is about allowing it to continue (or even escalate - but the escalation is a combination of the dance and other factors in the abuser's life) and creating the particular dynamics within a particular relationship. As you are already aware, you behaved in ways that gave him a short term fix to soothe his wounds and sent him signals that you didn't deserve to be treated otherwise. I know you are exploring your side of things via reading (& from reading your posts, a very smart lady), but I hope you also get counseling with someone who has training with abuse survivors to address your part of the dynamic for a future healthy relationship.

That said, when the abused finally says no, the abuser often reacts by escalating. What does that tell us? If it were just the accumulation of unconscious habits built off of dynamics in your M, and he really loved you, he would have been shocked into facing the reality and would have shown remorse and tried to fix at least some of his ways. I know that I've done some things because of my own problems that were emotionally abusive at times to my W (it really is hard for this not to happen a bit given male/female socialization in our cultures). When confronted with it, I woke up, apologized repeatedly and profusely, took responsibility for my words, worked on correcting any behavior, and did the hard work at facing what in my beliefs and my problems contributed to this. Not great DBing in most cases (which is the irony of this - you do the right thing, but it further hurts your M). Is that what your H did? Nope. Your H is clearly a deeply damaged serial abuser. You had confirmation when he didn't stop that he is not someone capable of healthy love and you did the right thing to take steps to get out and close the door.

At some point, for your own sake, you will want to find a way to forgive him by understanding how deeply he was mistreated as a child (this is where he is coming from) and how the man you did honestly love and find something attractive about is not, and likely will not, ever know a healthy loving relationship. But that is for sometime in the distant future.

For right now, going dark, taking any legal measures to protect yourself from stalking or unregulated contact, and dealing with the traumas and wounds left to you are all that matters. I haven't been able to read back over all your threads, so maybe you are doing some of this and will excuse my suggestions, but IC & finding a support group from women victims of abuse are really important.

You clearly show signs of PTSD (the traumas can be cumulative and not just from one-off events). I won't try to diagnose (not appropriate nor am I qualified) you as such, but you do show many classic signs. Finding support in a group of fellow survivors where you can do all the physically intimate support (cry, laugh, hug, rage together, etc.) is something most people in your sitch find really, really helpful at getting their life functioning again. Some kind of body work (yoga is the go to for this) can be therapeutic as will (this is backed by a growing literature for abuse/trauma victims). Still, IC with someone with training & experience with abuse survivors is a key piece to figuring out what fears and beliefs lead you to dance the dance with an abuser and how to make sure you are building for a healthy next R.

You are a brave soul and have done something wonderful in turning your pain into a means to help others here who are facing the same or similar abuse. In reading your recent post where your reading of abuse literature points brings out the two to tango message, please, please, please don't turn that message into a reason to blame yourself, add shame onto the pain you are already feeling, or see it as you having defects that made this possible. That isn't what the message is. It is one of thinking how you can break the cycle now and in future Rs. We all have "defective" beliefs, habits, and fears that make us all vulnerable to abuse. Those are things that grew out of your early years as a child and your relationship with your parents (don't blame that 5 year-old self for developing some fears, beliefs, and habits to protect herself when love wasn't available), and they are deepened in the way our culture(s) socialize young women into certain roles with certain beliefs and habits. Again, that isn't your fault. You allowed yourself to be abused, and that is a painful enough demon to wrestle with, but don't ever make it your fault. This is one of those situations where taking responsibility to change is better served by recognizing that it was not something to about you for which you deserve blame or shame. It is about seeing all the ways in which you were vulnerable to this and recognizing where they came from so you can effectively work on those habits and trainings. Recognizing the role of socialization of women, recognizing the role of your family of origin, recognizing the core beliefs about the way the world should be, recognizing how you developed certain coping strategies as a child that you carry with you to this day (as we all do), require that we let go of blaming ourselves to see the bigger picture of how we arrived to where we are and how so much of who we are (for better or worse) is not our fault.

Good luck with your struggles. We're rooting for you across our digital bridges to you.