Vanilla Fudged 19

[mustardseed]

Zelda

Some days are ok, I function but can't perform. At least I am doing something. Other days I flaff and fluff and I get nothing done.

I panic and feel exhausted, permanent hard knots of anxiety. My stomach feels like there is a solid rock in it. My heart is heavy, my knees hurt.

The weather is good but I don't want to be outside. Mainly I feel like resting but I still don't feel less tired.

I go GAL and there are moments when it's ok, brief glimpses of normality.

This is not about WH, it is about being.

I haven't checked my email for a week, there could be time bombs.

I let myself off the hook for this, I know it has to be, it is part of the trauma healing process and I must face it down. I accept that joylessness is part of the pain. I will get as much from this as I can, it's part of life.

Today is another day, I want to be well, extreme care. I have given up sugar, alcohol goes completely too. Exercise will come next.

I want to be really well, I want to eat, glow and nourish, but it seems like too much like hard work and I will just have to push through it.

I have been reading books about abuse, whilst that fixes some ideas other thoughts emerge. It takes two to Tango, you can't be abused without your consent. But that's not my experience, at the point I said I will not be abused, it worsened, I changed I set boundaries. I tried almost everything I could, every technique. I looked at posture, tone, neutrality, grey breeze block, STFU, walk away, coolness, responses, anger return, withdrawal, and validating. And I prayed for guidance for WH to stop because he wanted to stop.

I tried intervention, VSO support and counselling. I consulted, discussed, sought help from my higher power.

At the end of the day all I have is NC, pitch black but that hasn't stopped it. The wretch turns up unexpectedly, texts and rants. All about money.

This abuser abuses, did I train him this was rewarding, is it in him?

At this point I do not care why, I just want it to stop.

V

You are doing fantastic and you are an inspiration to many of us. WH is a broken man who needs to break down others to feel ok about his own brokenness, and v is strong, complete and has the tools to put her life back together better going dark is the best thing you have to avoid having him sabotaging your progress. Those who cannot build themselves up knock others down.

I am realizing this about H. He never was h a lot I got my job even that was all he said he wanted was to me to get a job like that to take the pressure off him. When I got it he mocked me for having to stay so late and said that I am going to fail. I believed him and it happened. He brought ow around into my kids life to show I was incapable of being superior and doing my job. I believed him and let my job suffer so I could reclaim my family from her skanky hands. Cutting me down so he could feel like less of a failure. We might not have realized what was happening at the time, but now that we do it is time to make sure they can never cut us down again.

On those days when it feels like too much work to meet your goals set a smaller goal just for that day. It's about progress. If you have 10 things you want to accomplish and can only one of those it is still progress.

There is a goal setting system called tiny habits. The focus is to choose tiny goals rather than focusing on the big picture. So instead of saying "I will run 5k today" instead say "I will put my running shoes on". That is easy to do, and once those running shoes it is easier to say, I am going outside . It's little goals like that. Tiny successes that keeps you going. So rather than thinking no sugar ever, think I will not put sugar in my coffe right now. Staying in the moment is all we have, especially on those days when something as getting out of bed in the morning feels like more than we can handle. Those days I think, all I have to do is put my feet on the floor, that's it. Once those feet are on the floor, standing up seems a bit easier.