Toots its not any more painful whether i talk about it or not. It hurts to think that she feels like that about me when i know full well how much i have always loved her and how i never wished to hurt her.
when I tried to talk to her she has always said theres no point because its all in the past. All i ever got was 'you were just so awful' 'you were never there for me' 'you always let me down' but not really much in the way of specifics.
what i found out from snooping in those first couple of months is that she described me as 'controlling, abusive and mean' and that I 'drove a wedge between her family and friends'
So I started to list this then backed off because it didn't seem worth it as I've said it all before and so tried to summarizes but then realized that I'm doing that because its really uncomfortable for me because it looks awful in a list like that and without balance.
but to avoid all that and take some responsibility i need to not duck it. so here it is (Caution: lengthy)
- when we thought she had a miscarriage (she didnt and d4 came along). I took her to hospital and stayed until the doctors said everything was fine. they wanted to run some more tests and she should stay but I had to go to work. XW said it was ok so i went and she had to get a cab home. Dr said it was fine so in my mind it was just a scare, i entirely didn't recognise the emotional impact the scare had.
- after D4 was born, she got really homesick (i still believe she suffered from PND) and wanted to move back home (about 3hrs away). I said that i would only move when we found jobs to go to. I didnt want to give up my career to go and be with her family.
- after the hen night incident (she met her ex boyfriend and lied about it) i didnt react well. I spent a a few weeks not feeling comfortable using the loving nickname i always used for her so stopped which i knew hurt her but carried on anyway.
- after the wedding, and over a couple of months, I also asked a lot of questions about her past (this was my insecurities coming through) and discovered a lot of stuff that i didnt know about her past including physical abuse (we were married by this point). I struggled to process and sort some help from an IC but actually the IC suggested a bunch of stuff that seemed to make things worse.
My XW has said that over this period i 'obliterated' her self esteem.
- shortly afterward her dad died. while we were down for the last few days of his life i found myself isolated with D4 (who was 1 at the time) while XW was close to her family. I felt very shut out and became very withdrawn. on the day he died they decided we all should go to a park for a walk (which had very bad associations for me in relation to XW). I was very withdrawn at the park but that was fine as they didnt want to engage with me. a few things happened and we then had a row in the park about how she was ignoring me and our daughter.
- This affected her grieving for her dad and she has said she felt like she couldnt cry in front of me. This is mainly because when she did i had no idea how to comfort her and so did what i always do which is try to use humour to lighten the mood and do practical things. I can give a lengthy explanation of why this is but lets just say she didnt feel supported by me even though in my mind i was really trying.
- when S2 was born she was really struggling but i only took 2 weeks paternity leave, she wanted me to take more but i didnt feel i could.
- She regularly complained that i had said something to upset her or have a dig, she would say i just chipped away at her. But i still dont understand what i said or did. often she said it when i felt she had just had a go at me about something.
- she complained about the way we dealt with some things in the house like deciding what colour to paint a wall. I always suggested a compromise which meant she didnt get what she wanted but she just saw that as me getting my way.
- when she was sad or in a mood (which felt like all the time) i didn't really engage with her on it, i just kind of pretend it wasn't happening and tried to be positive. this was me being conflict avoidant.
- she felt like i had put to much pressure on her with her work, i thought i was being supportive and encouraging by suggesting she could easily go for promotion and do her bosses job, she felt i was pressuring her. (she has since had said promotion)
- fairly regularly, when we went to see her family (once a month) I would have some sort of sulk usually again because i would just end up on childcare duty (sometimes for our 2 plus SIL's 2) being ignored by everyone else. by sulk i mean withdrawn and a bit grumpy.
- I would also sulk when i felt like XW was going against something i thought we had agreed in relation to raising the kids
- by the last year there was a bunch of other stuff in our relationship dynamic that triggered me to be withdrawn and grumpy, for example comments to make clear there was no chance of sex when i'd only tried to hug, if i was asked my opinion then getting a lengthy explanation of why my opinion was wrong, and just a bunch of other little stuff.
- ultimately we both just felt we were walking on egg shells, me because it felt like nothing was ever good enough and i just wanted her to be interested in us (I thought just keep giving her time and space and it will be fine). her because she though i would have a sulk and say something mean.
- I absolutely never told her anywhere near enough how much i loved her, was proud of her and wanted our life together to work out
So although that's 4 years compressed its pretty terrible reading from my perspective. i do think i see far worse regularly in couples that seem happy, but ultimately she didn't feel like i was there for her in any kind of emotionally supportive way - and in truth i wasn't I didn't/don't know how (certainly wasn't a lack of willingness on my part).
so the learning points for me: - I don't tackle things directly, i ask questions and am more circumspect - I was never clear about how i was feeling with XW except when it was very negative - i need to learn to recognize emotions in other people and much more appropriate reactions (the support I've received since BD has really opened my eyes to what comforting looks like) - I need to be much, MUCH, more aware of how what i say do, makes people think and feel - I need to sulk less, preferably never. - and i need to remember that i don't know what is going on in other peoples heads.
i'm just going to say this for clarity. I've never hit her or raised a hand, I've never called her names, I've rarely sworn in front of her and rarely raised my voice to her. I wasn't disparaging about her nor dismissive of the things she did. I was supportive of her ambitions and i didn't control the finances and i certainly haven't run up debts. I don't gamble, smoke do drugs or drink and i did plenty round the house and have been fully involved with my kids since the day the were born and a half dozen times she phoned me in tears at work to say she couldnt cope and so i dropped everything and came home.
So in terms of apology, well i have said it and i wrote her a letter a few weeks after BD, apologising. I do feel genuine remorse for all of the above and wish i could go back and do so much so different not just for the sake of our M but because she deserved so much more and so much better.
OM1 is the big discrepancy here in that we both know she has lied extensively about him and his involvement and because i'm not willing to say i agree she was right to leave and that OM1 had nothing to do with it then i dont think she will ever be satisfied with the level of apology - I feel she wants absolution rather than an apology.
as for why i find it difficult to post on V's thread - well i think thats for a different day but i have a better understanding of why it is
No idea if that helps or is even interesting but hopefully answers your question Toots. For me it is why i don't have any hope for my situation even if reconciliation is still what i want
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
