Feel like I am falling into a bit of a backslide at the moment. I have done what I usually do when I feel this which is to type out a message to W but not actually send it. However, the start of D has got me in a more reflective mood. In particular the stages of W MLC are becoming clearer to me and I am starting to think about how I have enabled some of her behaviours.
I am pretty sure with hindsight that she went through the Denial, Anger stages throughout 2009 and 2010. It was at this time she started to get very resentful of her mum. Her dad died when she was young and resentment with regard to how she felt her mum neglected her during that period surfaced. She also started to get Angry at her immediate family and mum for not supporting her enough with S with special needs. Her use of FB and contacting old boyfriends on FB started part way through 2010.
This was also the time period when issues started at S school and his behaviours got worse.
This lasted until mid way through 2011 when in hindsight W had become more withdrawn and OM family came on the scene and IMO was in full replay. OM was someone she met at an adult education course in around 2006. In 2011 we started to do things with OM, his W and family. In hindsight she was looking for excuses to bump into them. For example W and I would go for lunch and coincidentally OM was at the same place with his W. Possibly a coincidence but on more than 1 occasion. I also left my job in mid 2011 and started a new job later that year.
Communication with OM and W was frequent throughout this period but at the time did not read much into it.
Late 2011 came the confused feelings. Coincidentally OM issues started with his W in December 2011 and he left in Feb 12. W confused feelings continued throughout early 2012 and went away in Feb 2012 for some space. When she returned she wanted to work on the M. However, the confusion continued and she became withdrawn from the M again, finally admitting she was still confused in May 12. Aug 12 came BD with a number of scripted responses such as being like brother and sister, its not you its me, I need to find myself etc.
I discovered DB in September 2012 but W had already started the hunt for property by then and my DBing was too late to stop her from moving out. She also admitted an EA with OM. About this time was when the anger go more noticeable at me and she moved to the spare room, removed her wedding rings etc. She moved out finally in Nov 12.
I continued to DB and in the early months that followed her moving out she was closer. She would cry a lot at S pick ups/drop offs and on one occasion apologised but said it was all for the best.
However, in the following 12 months 2013-14 her behaviour became ever more manipulative regarding S and money.
W emailed in 2014 confirming OM for over 12 months (but not admitting a PA whilst we were in the same house). Said she didn't tell me about OM because she was protecting me! She again commented about D, but made no move to file. My reaction to OM was calm because in truth it was a relief for it to be out in the open.
Soon after this W deleted me from FB and only this weekend unblocking me with her history wiped. This and an army of new friends.
In May 2015 I was the one that initiated conversations re D and getting things moving....I was ready. W then decided to file before I had chance to do it. The anger, resentment also seems to be resurfacing in W. It is like she is blaming me for the fact that S had disabilities and the extent to which a S with special needs restricts her life.
I still think she is stuck in replay and the truth is I cannot see her getting unstuck.
However, I also think my own behaviours have contributed to this and fear I have become a doormat. OM is a good example where I have wanted to keep the peace on S pick ups and therefore not set any boundary on this or him being around. I do think that OM bothers me and I have pent up anger when I need to just let it go.
I have also neglected my own life to a certain extent by having S every weekend which means I get no break between work and caring for S. Whilst this has been good from the perspective of my R with S, it also means W has every weekend free for herself without spending any time with S. Don't get me wrong in that I do GAL during the evenings in the week, I also love time with S and have kept his home here stable. But my life has become so busy now I feel I am getting exhausted. I also fear I will not have time for a new relationship given commitments with S, work etc. Asking another woman to spend her weekends with a special needs child is a tall ask for anyone.
Long reflective post for anyone that takes time to read it .
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