So I kept it strictly business. She came over and let the dogs out while I was at work. When I walked in the house that morning, I could tell she had been there. I had made a grocery list on the counter. I had written like dog food and a vacuum cleaner. She went behind me and wrote "get pro plan salmon that is their favorite!" Beside the vacuum cleaner she wrote "get a shark (about $180) they are the best!. I thought that was kind of odd.
Earlier in the week, I had taken down all her pictures in the house and put them in a back room in storage. I had forgotten about 2 collage type frames in the stairwell. She took it upon herself to take those down and replace them with paintings. She put the frames right beside her pictures in that storage. Almost like it was retaliation against One of my friends interpreted as she lost the upper hand and that was her weak attempt to regain it. Finally, she gathered what little knick knacks she had left behind.
She texted me the next day and let me know she had been at the house from 9:30 to 11:30. A little subterfuge on her part, when she told me she wouldn't be there until 11:30. She brought our other dog over and let them play. She started opening the flood gates and saying a lot of emotional things. I didn't bite. I tried to validate. Then I cut it off. I responded "I prefer not to talk about this over the phone or through text. We have some logistics and responsibilities to discuss. You let me know when you can meet. Doesn't have to be at the house. And it needs to be sooner rather than later"
That really pissed her off. She didn't respond for 2 hours. Then she said we could meet Monday after work. I countered I might leave town for a few days. Could we do this weekend? She said no for Saturday and said she would let me know tomorrow if she could do Sunday. I ended it there and told her I would let her know about Monday. "Enjoy the holiday"
Me: 33 W: 30 T - 12 M - 3 K - 0 BD - 6/14/15 Moved out - 6/14/15
So I suggested to her that we meet Monday at the park and to bring the dogs. I noted that it would help ease the tension between us. She was receptive to the idea and agreed.
Then I slipped up and broke the rules...I told her how I had been working out every day since she had left. I was down to a weight I had not been since 2004. I got into specifics of what work outs I had been doing. Then I added "I'm not doing this for you. I am doing this for me. I wanted to let you know because I am damn proud of myself. And the girls are too." I could've slapped myself. But it motivated me to work out more lol. Now that she is expecting results, I have to continue.
Then she threw me for a loop. She responded, "I am so proud of you! That is awesome! That is great news!" I was like, "what is this?" The wife I know is not supportive or even nice. She insults me and puts me down. We texted a couple more times and the positive stuff continued. This behavior has me worried. I'm almost afraid of what she will say on Monday. I have no expectations. It has been about four weeks now. I know that her feelings have not changed in that short time in the way she left. This is a long term project and I am in for the long haul.
She also confided in me that she snuck back in the house while I was at work 4 days after she left. She said she missed the dogs and was homesick.
I am back to detaching and GAL. Spent the 4th working on the yard all day and spending time with family. It was very enjoyable.
Last edited by shnswms; 07/05/1507:31 AM.
Me: 33 W: 30 T - 12 M - 3 K - 0 BD - 6/14/15 Moved out - 6/14/15
Anyone have any tips for this first meeting tomorrow? I have not seen her in a month. We have barely talked since then. I have so many questions I want to ask, but not sure I should. I know I should listen and validate.
Me: 33 W: 30 T - 12 M - 3 K - 0 BD - 6/14/15 Moved out - 6/14/15
No expert here Shnswms, but I'd say you're first goal is just to establish a friendship.
I'm meeting my W for the first time in 3 months this week too. Nothing more to do than show up looking great, smelling good, freshly shaved, and staying positive. Be open, listen well, and use Wonka's validation work. My goal is to make her laugh at least twice.
Stick to DB principles. You want her to walk away from the meeting thinking," Damn, why did I leave him, he's really cool."
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Good luck to you with your meeting! I honestly don't know what to expect. The pessimist in me excepts further BD (affair, etc). The optimist hopes she would consider counseling. I like your idea of laughing. That will be my goal as well.
S
Me: 33 W: 30 T - 12 M - 3 K - 0 BD - 6/14/15 Moved out - 6/14/15
My advice is ask her no questions about why she left or what she plans to do now. She will twist everything around and make everything your fault. Act cool, calm, and looking hot. Do not not give vibes of being victimized by her actions. The most attractive quality you need to show her is your confidence as a man. No matter how desperate you may feel emotionally, do allow those feelings to surface in her presence. She will not see through eyes of love. Her eyes have turned cold and critical. She will see you as being "weak".
Please read my thread about waywardness in a wife. Then tell me if you recognize your W in those first few pages. Here's the beginning:
Thank you Sandi. I was hoping you would weigh in. I do see my wife in your pages. It is hard to accept. I work as a psychiatric RN on an intensive care unit. I will use those skills today when I meet her. Listening, validation, and I will exude confidence. The plan was, as you said, look hot, dress very well. I have a new beard style I am going to show off. I have lost a significant amount of weight since she last saw me. I will make every effort to seem as though I am moving on. As you suggested, I will not bring up the past circumstances or questions. There is nothing I can do to change that or her behavior. If she brings up the past, how do I respond? For example, if she wants an answer about how I feel about what she did.
Last edited by shnswms; 07/06/1511:08 AM.
Me: 33 W: 30 T - 12 M - 3 K - 0 BD - 6/14/15 Moved out - 6/14/15
do allow those feelings to surface in her presence.
Oh yikes! I meant to say do "not" allow your feelings to surface in her presence.
With all due respect to PigPen, if the situation is not humorous and/or if humor is not second nature for the LBH, trying to push to make her laugh could cause you to appear silly instead of being cool and confident. Especially if this is the first meeting, you may want to reconsider that route, but that's just me. It comes off as you trying too hard. See what I mean?
You just listen to what she has to say. If you agree, you nod your head.....but do not try to correct her account of things. Her purpose is to make you the fall guy. Hear me? She is NOT meeting to reconcile with you. Her version will not be the same as yours. Your job in this meeting is to listen to her spew.
It is best to meet in a public place, and at any time she should start to get out of control......you walk away.
Do not go into this meeting blind. Do not be taken off guard. She is not your best friend, and IMO, you don't want to be her BFF while she's acting out in waywardness. You can be civilized and even polite, if she minds her manners. Friendship doesn't come into the picture (on your behalf) until she stops her A and other wayward acts. Oh btw, she may say that she hopes to remain friends, or something to that effect. Most WW's say it, and even think they get to keep the LBH and get the new guy, too.
Quote:
If she brings up the past, how do I respond? For example, if she wants an answer about how I feel about what she did.
I'm going to be very blunt. She will probably not ask you how you feel about anything, especially about what's she has done. The WW is not concerned about the H's feelings. All she cares about is herself. She sees the H as the enemy. He is the reason for all her problems. He has been the roadblock to her happiness.
She may tell you what she wants out of the deal. She may say you might as well get D, and ask if you want one......but she doesn't care how you feel.
If she asks a question you aren't sure how to answer, just say something vague like, "I need more time before giving you my answer". "Frankly, I'm not sure how I feel about anything...now".
What is your purpose for this meeting? You are the one calling it. What do you wish to settle during the meeting?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I agree mostly with Sandi with one key difference.
IF you desire a shot a reconciling you may want to calmly (without a dramatic emotional demonstration at all) indicate that you are simply devastated by the events of the last few weeks.
Again, don't indicate this in a begging, pleading manner or with any expectation that she will react to it.
My reason for telling guys here all the time to use the word "devastated" is because MANY wayward wives pursue and continue their affairs under the rationalization and justification that their betrayed husbands just don't or won't care. They FEEL like they haven't been cherished and truly loved by you for a very long time and that you either don't care that she's leaving and/or you'll be better off without her (i.e. - a piece of you will be happy she's gone).
Sandi said "the ww is not concerned about the H's feelings". On one hand I agree. She's focused on her OM and her relationship with him. However, ww's also feign that they don't care, run away in the middle of night and don't talk to they betrayed spouses because seeing the results of their behavior on someone they do, to some extent, care about or, at least, have a connection with makes THEM feel guilty or ashamed.
That is another reason for saying you are "devastated". If you act like you don't care, she can convince herself she made the right choice and is taking the right path. You don't even care that's she's left. Everybody is happier...no need to feel ashamed at all. When you don't communicate honestly, you simple enable this behavior and reinforce this hurtful thought process.
I am intrigued that your wife moved in with a friend. It certainly sounds like she's been having an affair with someone for awhile and that someone is likely a man she can't move in with directly. That would lead me to believe she's in an adulterous relationship with a married man at work. There is the ever increasing possibility she's in a lesbian affair. Not as common but not unheard of. You see, when OM is a single guy, these affairs become public MUCH faster because the barrier to being together is "just" the husband (and wayward wives have no trouble walking all over the husband). When OM is married (or a woman) keeping the secret becomes much more vital to keeping the affair going.
You should find out who OM is and tell his wife and tell your inlaws (who sound very supportive of you and concerned their daughter might be having an affair). Michelle Wiener-Davis thinks exposure to family needs to be weighed carefully whether it would be a risk or benefit towards any recovery and if your wife's parents are religious persons opposed strongly to adultery, my estimation is the risk of telling them and them trying to save your wife with you outweigh any detriment they'd present towards your wife ever getting back together with you.
Finally, you don't have kids so this really isn't all that complicated if you discover she is cheating on you and you'd rather just divorce her. Reconciliation is very difficult. We are to be judged on our behaviors and your wife behavior is a pretty good indication that she's not the greatest at marriage and probably not a healthy person for you to continue to pursue a relationship with. Consider long and hard what YOU want out of this and whether "saving" her is really want you want to do. It was very much worth the effort for me, but I had children involved. I'm not minimizing your pain but you are quite young, only married a few years, you can start over and find a woman of better character instead of trying and hoping to fix the character of the one you're with. This forum can help you either way you decide to pursue.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
