From all my posts, I mention how I'm trying to really be exceedingly engaged in the relationship. I'm now going to bed with W, doing romantic things, gifts, help, listening, being available, etc. This is a dramatic change I've made in the past 2 months.
I hear alot of you LD women talk about what dorks your Hs are being and not making an equivalent "injection" of love into the relationship.
How would you respond if your H was doing what I'm doing?
My W wants to change herself but isn't to the point of seeking self-help resources yet. Can you maybe offer insights into what what you would do in her situation. I know this is purely speculative but I'm trying to figure out what the dynamics of this is are.
I think I'm coming to the realization that it isn't so much the "injection" of love or even the quality, for me anyway. A big driving force of what made me want to ML earlier in our R was the need to ensure no other woman could compare to me. I wanted to be his absolute goddess. Before we exchanged vows, there was the chance that he could find someone else more attractive, more fun to be with, more sexual, more loving, more compatible. I strived to be his perfect match, a great catch. I was on my best behaviour, and so was he!
When you do something romantic, give gifts, help, listen, etc., are you doing these things with the same enthusiasm and confidence as you did before you committed to her? Just think back, and humour me for a sec. When you were dating, if you took her to a movie or dined out or even went to a party together... you might have been disappointed if the evening ended with "just" a kiss, but did her not "putting out" lessen your desire to pursue her? What made her worth the "pain" and challenge? I sure wish I could translate my thoughts as well as others here, perhaps it's because I'm interrupted every few minutes or so by my kids! You said, "I'm trying to really be exceedingly engaged in the relationship." Naturally, you're doing this because you want to improve your sexlife, but you need to focus on making her feel special. However, by special, I mean in the same way she was special when you were not committed. I'm getting there, but so slowly. I'm really sorry. My brain is mush today. Think back to the earlier times and see how you made her feel special without "losing yourself". What I mean is... there has to be a way that you can "romance" her and have her *want* to be your goddess again.
One thing I have learned from the psychobabble books and some personal experience is that there is a period of euphoric love where faults in your partner are ignored and love is blind. For this reason I don't think that looking back to the early days and comparing your behaviour is particularly valuable. The chances are that you never behaved in an ideal way. After a couple of years (and the stress of wedding preparations) the euphoria wears off and you embark on your long SSM journey. The trick is to understand where you have always gone wrong and do the necessary 180s hopefully carrying your LD spouse along with you. SD
Aquarian, there are some points there. My focus is not necessarily to improve my sexlife but rather are entire relationship in general because we've been living autonomously for so long. The fact that you see it that way might mean that she's seeing that way too. It's something for me to think about.
Secondly, I'm way more enthusiastic about my "courting" than i was when we first got togehther . W and I were neighborhood friends until we met back up in college. She and I ML on the first date and we simply eased into a relationship without much courtship. I never had to try and I was a little reluctant for the first 3 months to pursue a commitment. Maybe I was taking HER interest for granted because I could...hmmm. So really, this is the first time I've ever "courted" anyone. I'm way more enthusiastic now than I ever was.
Third, regarding making her feel special. That's exactly what I've been doing lately (I think). Instead of buying her self-help books, I've been buying her books realting to positive things she wants to do in life. I've been keeping my eyes on her, not checking out the other women at restaurants, the gifts etc. Praising her in front of others etc. Opening doors for her (which is a great way to get a kiss or a grope). I've been making myself look as good as possible and staying in shape. I'm making her laugh alot and having nice time together. Last night, when I got back from my trip, despite us both being very tired, we had an incredible LM session. See my journal for a creative something I tried. .
I guess, as an LD, how long would it take you for attraction and desire to return when you H is making it "easy" by being nice, handsome, charming, considerate. I guess I'm trying to determine if my 180 will be enough to re-attract her to me and create a little of the euphoria.
Quote: ...as an LD, how long would it take you for attraction and desire to return when your H is making it "easy" by being nice, handsome, charming, considerate. I guess I'm trying to determine if my 180 will be enough to re-attract her to me and create a little of the euphoria.
I guess it depends on HOW 180 it is! If you're a completely different person... then she may be suspicious that it's just for sex. If you can balance your 180 with genuine interest in your W and her interests, rather than her body... then I think a little euphoria will *have* to come! Making it "easy" by being nice, handsome, charming and considerate sound like qualities that she would have expected all along... know what I mean? 180s have to feel good for you so that you'll want to keep 'em to simply to better yourself, along the lines of the LRT.
In my sitch, my attraction and desire returned in full force the moment I felt he seemed to *really* understand me and how past actions had hurt me. I thought we were somewhat out of the woods there, but then I slowly realized that some of my top needs were not being met and I reverted to an LD (but still trying to appear as HD). I'm working my way towards KNOWING what my LLs are and setting goals for both H and I to reach for so that both our *top* LLs will be met. We're also going to do this questionaire together and hopefully it'll help.
Hi Dave, I guess I'm with Aquarian when she says that at first she'd be suspicious that all this extra stuff was just a means to get sex. I mean, I mention how bogged down I am to my H, then he will do an extra couple of things, (like maybe sweep the floor or dishes), and then he's in the bed with the pretense of just snuggling...then my clothes are becoming pushed around..you get the pic. Then I'm the bad guy for "never wanting to, and after all, he did ALL THIS EXTRA STUFF"...
How long?? Geez, I'm not sure. I'd like to say that I'd come around relatively quickly. As the LD in our relationship, I guess there is more to our situation than just whether or not H helps around the house. I would think a month or two of sincere, no-strings-attached would do it for me.
Think back to the earlier times and see how you made her feel special without "losing yourself". What I mean is... there has to be a way that you can "romance" her and have her *want* to be your goddess again.
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