seperated 4 months

[help67]

Pigpen, your words penetrate and help me in my journey, I can be stubborn and sometimes words dont do that.
I am doing the deep work, with IC, some journaling, and am going to learn to meditate, something I always wanted to do, I started a few months ago, but it got hard to do, I think I can do it now. I have learned a lot about why I got like this. Dysfunctional family, physical abuse from my father, my brother who was my life going off to college when I was 11. Lots of abandoment issues. So what do I do, I have the most amazing person fall in love with me and I do all I can to push her away cause this is what I deserve. There are other issues as well.I am learning to forgive myself.
Sounds like some trip you took, it happened for a reason. What woke me up wasnt my w leaving, but how she wasnt sure if she could trust me with my d. It broke my heart, my hardened heart, and there was no way I could live like I had been anymore.
Let her go I think is what will truly get me there, and I will get there.
I have been abstinent before, this is different, this is sober. Not working with any org., but I am not kidding myself, I will get any and all help I need when needed. IC, reading has worked now. I am coming to realize just how strong I am inside, and I do have a lot of living to do, and thats a good thing.