I hear you brother. Our stories are so similar. When you literally don't have the necessary skills you compensate in ways that you think are going to end up helping and in turn they take on a life of their own. One with their own set of issues.
I traded work stress and insomnia for a marijuana addiction. The marijuana addiction let me sleep and ignore the fact that I needed to change my work environment. Both solved my problem....and created many more. AND didn't let me address what was keeping me up at night nor what was wrong with how I was doing business. But they solved the immediate problem.
You've got to forgive yourself and as I think Toots said earlier - do the deep work. Whether that's with an IC, a spiritual advisor, a pen and journal, or a meditation mat, you've got to get to your chore and find what was broken. All of that plus time.
If you read my sitch, I found this board while on a two month sabbatical in Central America. It took me being a month into that trip (3 months of sobriety), a near death accident in the surf, and the loss of complete control of my surrounds (no power, no water), to come to terms with the fact that my addiction had royally screwed up my M. Up until that point I was still trying to figure out how being with my W had landed me in the addict chair, not how being me had landed me there.
You're on a painful trip, but one that I will tell you, if you're willing to be courageous, will come with tremendous insight. You've still got a lot of living left in you and figuring out these incredible introspective epiphanies is worth every ounce of the pain that it takes to unearth them.
Dive in my friend. Dive in fearlessly and see what's at the bottom of the pain. Do your diligence, turn yourself into a seeker of your own truth. If you do that, with no thought of how your W will react to it, your journey may bring you back to her. That's the only way to frame it.
I had to let my W completely go, fall apart, contemplate my own existence and whether it was worth continuing before I found some truth on which to build. I know now that without the real pain of that journey, any shot of reconciliation would have been worthless. My W would have sensed the insincerity on me, and felt it in her heart. She may not come back to me still, but I know I've done the work.
There's a big difference between abstinence and sobriety too. Abstinence is staying away alcohol - we can do that for years. Sobriety is learning what you were covering up with the alcohol. Abstinence is holding your breath. Sobriety is learning how to breathe differently for the rest of your life.
Are you working with AA or any organization like that?
Post all you want, I'll try to follow your threads and drop in from time to time.
Last edited by PigPen; 07/05/1501:55 AM.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
