Hi Claire - nice to meet you and thanks for chiming in.
I do see the positives. I saw them as they were happening. I know that I should have reacted differently at the onset of the walk. I also need to lower my expectations to zero and REALLY think of him as a house guest. My DB coach told me the same.
Why do I feel like a doormat? That is a very good question. Since BD I have been parenting by myself for quite a while, like those of us with kids do. In the last few weeks he has again started to realize that there are children in the house! I know this is a VERY positive turnaround. But, these last few months, where I have been parenting by myself have reminded me of when my kids were young where I also shouldered most of the child rearing myself. H supported us very well but raising the kids, bathing them, diapering them, etc. was all my job, even on weekends. It was extreme by anyone's standards. I recognize now that he was immature and didn't grow up enough to do the things he didn't feel like doing. And I put up with it. It makes sense he needs to have his MLC and that I have resentment.
As kids grew older he was better. He wanted us to spend more time together as a married couple. We did. Deep down it just felt to me like too little too late. I tried to talk to him about it on several occasions but he could admit no fault whatsoever. So I held onto that resentment because he has never truly validated me on this issue. A few months ago it came up again in conversation as he was in the fog and he told me he was "flawed" in this area. That is the closest he has ever come to acknowledging it.
Those were rewarding yet hard, lonely years. I felt everything was on his terms and here again, it's everything on his terms. His MLC, his need for time and space. Blah, blah, blah.
Oddly the day turned around. We took the kids out and had a nice day. The kids wanted to do different things and one child asked if I could take one to do "x" and while H could take the other child to do "y." A month ago H was suggesting this sort of thing ALL the time. I thought he would jump all over it today. But today H said "no, why break up the band?"
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
