seperated 4 months

[help67]

Sandi thanks again,

So I just am having a problem getting past one thing. I realize it takes two, and my w has some blame for m failing. I was the one who drank too much, was controlling and closed emotionally. She wanted me to get help, she wanted to get counseling, but I was blind. I never communicated well. My w now feels accepted and validated and connected and I realize she doesn't want these things from me as a h now. But back to my feelings, now that I have found them, can I articulate in the statement in anyway that ive learned a lot, and one of those things is that I wanted a deeper intimate, emotional connection with her, we did have it at one point.

[PigPen]

Hey Help,

I'm not Sandi. At all. But our situations are similar. Here's the conclusion that I've come to, maybe it will help you.

"Healing happens on the injured party's timeline." or something like that. When I read that it helped me understand why after week 1 of my own sobriety my W wasn't interested in hearing about it. It wasn't that I had made the decision, and it wasn't even that she didn't believe it would stick. It was that she needed to do her own healing before she could hear it.

We want to cram our newfound sobriety and emotional availability down our W's throats since it's what they begged for for so long and now we have available to them. But they don't want to hear it yet.

You can tell her, I told my W twenty times, but she kept walking. Time is a huge healer. Time is also a true test. What's missing from your W belief about you is time. Right now she thinks this is all a scam, you changed just to get her back, but slowly you'll just go back to your own ways. My W asked for intimacy too, begged for it, took us to a couples retreat and said our M was amazing for the next three weeks...but old habits die hard.

Your W asked and you turned her down. It's a hard pill to swallow for us both. Had we known it would end in BD we would have moved mountains, but it shouldn't have come to that. We should have recognized their pain and looked at ourselves as a way to ease it. We didn't.

I'm six months into a separation and still haven't had the chance to say to my W what you want to say, not in any manner that she will hear it. Not without a whole host of post BD walls being in the way of my message and her heart.

Remember that you're on your timeline, she's on hers.

[help67]

Hey Help,

I'm not Sandi. At all. But our situations are similar. Here's the conclusion that I've come to, maybe it will help you.

"Healing happens on the injured party's timeline." or something like that. When I read that it helped me understand why after week 1 of my own sobriety my W wasn't interested in hearing about it. It wasn't that I had made the decision, and it wasn't even that she didn't believe it would stick. It was that she needed to do her own healing before she could hear it.

We want to cram our newfound sobriety and emotional availability down our W's throats since it's what they begged for for so long and now we have available to them. But they don't want to hear it yet.

You can tell her, I told my W twenty times, but she kept walking. Time is a huge healer. Time is also a true test. What's missing from your W belief about you is time. Right now she thinks this is all a scam, you changed just to get her back, but slowly you'll just go back to your own ways. My W asked for intimacy too, begged for it, took us to a couples retreat and said our M was amazing for the next three weeks...but old habits die hard.

Your W asked and you turned her down. It's a hard pill to swallow for us both. Had we known it would end in BD we would have moved mountains, but it shouldn't have come to that. We should have recognized their pain and looked at ourselves as a way to ease it. We didn't.

I'm six months into a separation and still haven't had the chance to say to my W what you want to say, not in any manner that she will hear it. Not without a whole host of post BD walls being in the way of my message and her heart.

Remember that you're on your timeline, she's on hers.

Detach, and patience, patience. Maybe me removing myself from my w life will help her heal and do the work she needs to. I think this is part of why I am having a hard time with telling her I will only coparent with her why she is figuring it out. It seems harsh and uncaring which is what I have been to her for so long. It will take a lot of time, we were together so long, so I better gal.

I don't want to give up, I really believe we are meant to be with each other, only it will be right this time. We have so much in common, and so many parallels in our lives. We discovered that when we were six yrs old our families vacationed at the same place, cabins at lake George, the same week and the entire time we each played with someone of the opposite sex. The girl had a lot of freckles, like my w. I truly believe it was us, we then met in college 14 yrs later. I believe I have always known her, so now I have to let her go again, its the hardest thing I have ever had to do. When does the crying stop.

[Vanilla]

I realize it takes two, and my w has some blame for m failing.

I both agree and disagree. I will say that you are responsible for you and your W is responsible for herself. My H is a compulsive gambler (amount other compulsions) and a drinker and our M broke down, I walked away in the end. am I responsible for that? Yes of course that decision was mine alone and I hold myself accountable for it. .

I was the one who drank too much, was controlling and closed emotionally.

It is a big step to say this and shows to others that you understand your issues which is important.

She wanted me to get help, she wanted to get counseling, but I was blind. I never communicated well.

Addiction is tough stuff, and communication in these circumstances takes more than IC

My w now feels eyeaccepted and validated and connected and I realize she doesn't want these things from me as a h now.

Your W has had to go into survival mode.

But back to my feelings, now that I have found them, can I articulate in the statement in anyway that ive learned a lot, and one of those things is that I wanted a deeper intimate, emotional connection with her, we did have it at one point.

------------------------------------------

There is a great deal to recovery for the addict and compulsive. Please know that there is as much recovery required for the spouses and loved ones of the addict.

At some of the Gamanon meetings I go to, I hear the enormous damage done to the lives of the partners. The compulsive says 'I have changed, believe in me now' and '' I have drawn myself a line' so trust me and ignore the addiction.

It isn't that easy.

The damage done an be allmost irreparable, and recovery for partners and loved ones is slow, very very slow and in their time not that of the addict or compulsive.

The one thing that you have the power to influence is your own recovery, a big enough task. Listen to PP, there is a man who has walked the talk, someone I respect greatly.

There is a very long journey ahead, take your time.

V

[help67]

Thank you for your reply v,

This is my struggle then. My w should have left me sooner, but she didn't, she has her own issues and is also very caring and forgiving.
She is also very smart, and so I don't know how much of a fog she is truly in.

When she left I told her day one, I would be the h I knew I could be and prayed she didn't give up. She said I would have to do the deep work long time, but she would not promise anything, how could she. Months later she said its not about "look I am acting better, forgive me, lets get back together" She said she knows I am doing good work, and hopes it is for my own sake. She says we are family, have this long history and she will always love me, but I know she needs to heal on her time and I cant help her. So I know how Sandi worded how I should tell her I wont be in an open m, but I am wondering if it is me being harsh again and she will think these last few months when we were getting closer as friends as me just doing it to get her back. I was doing it because I feel it, I love her, and want us to heal and live an amazing life together as a family again, I know in my heart, all my being that I have changed and will keep improving even though she cant know that yet.
So is there a different way for me to word it because of my sitch. I love her, she was my best friend once, I don't want to hurt her anymore.

[help67]

Honestly, I want to understand all I can about where I am at and I don't want to play games with my w or hurt her anymore. I also don't want to give up on us, she dealt with a lot, but I believe that we are here to be together and not give up on each other, the three of us, me, my w and d. My w told me it would have to be a new beginning, and these last few months felt like that, of course I didn't know about the om. I still don't know the whole timeline, but I believe it has at least been an ea for awhile, and she said dating but I don't know if its a pa yet. My w needed that connection. Do I ask her about timeline or at this point it doesn't matter. So I know Sandi you are looking at it from the affair side, but does the addiction and my behavior change the wording. Has anyone ever heard of people in this sitch that were friends and got back as it evolved or is there reasons why this is impossible. Again I only want to understand all I can, and I appreciate everyones help. I sound like a newbie I guess as maybe I still am detached and needy and this is why we cant be friends now, but is this the way to tell her.

[help67]

I guess the pain, this path is all necessary. I don't want it to go away magically, I want to work through this, its the only way. So Gal, what do I want to do. I work at this point 35 hrs a week, I worked around w schedule for childcare purposes. I guess we didn't spend enough quality time together. I play softball on Monday night. I have my d almost a few days, she is busy but we have time, I have to wake up from my funk and be a better dad and do more with her. She does so much with w on weekend, but I cant be there now. I am learning guitar, I have tried and given up in the past, but I wont give up now. Money is tight or there would many things I would try. I don't know how things will progress with w and separation agreement, and the house where I live. My w got a big raise last year and makes considerably more than me, she will have to pay me support. I volunteered at a soup kitchen, for the first three months after bd, I can do that again. I am lonely, but not as much, I am learning to like myself again. I will make it, me, but I also believe I will be in the piecing forum one day with my w. Thanks everyone who posts, it helps me more than you might know.

[help67]

Me again, posting a lot, feels like bd again. One thing I realized about my drinking, it was because the work hurt and I had no coping skills, or was ever shown how to live growing up. I was a very caring, sensitive person which is why my w fell in love with me. She is the same way, but she has always been. I got lost and just numbed myself instead of living like a man, and it made me mean because deep down it wasnt me. Here I am 9 months sober and finding that caring, sensitive person again, but as pigpen said I cant be that person to my w now. I guess thats why it feels good being her friend but it wont help us come together again. Another gal thing I will start to do is meditate. We have never been religious, but we believe in the universe I guess, something is there. My w has been good at trusting that, I am learning it again. This trust, this faith will help me get through, there is a plan for me, for her, and I believe for us together. But this week I must detach for real and say goodbye for now, I just dont know the right way to say it considering my total sitch, the addiction, the long history, my w dating, and us having a lot of contact because of my d.

[PigPen]

Hey Help,

I hear you brother. Our stories are so similar. When you literally don't have the necessary skills you compensate in ways that you think are going to end up helping and in turn they take on a life of their own. One with their own set of issues.

I traded work stress and insomnia for a marijuana addiction. The marijuana addiction let me sleep and ignore the fact that I needed to change my work environment. Both solved my problem....and created many more. AND didn't let me address what was keeping me up at night nor what was wrong with how I was doing business. But they solved the immediate problem.

You've got to forgive yourself and as I think Toots said earlier - do the deep work. Whether that's with an IC, a spiritual advisor, a pen and journal, or a meditation mat, you've got to get to your chore and find what was broken. All of that plus time.

If you read my sitch, I found this board while on a two month sabbatical in Central America. It took me being a month into that trip (3 months of sobriety), a near death accident in the surf, and the loss of complete control of my surrounds (no power, no water), to come to terms with the fact that my addiction had royally screwed up my M. Up until that point I was still trying to figure out how being with my W had landed me in the addict chair, not how being me had landed me there.

You're on a painful trip, but one that I will tell you, if you're willing to be courageous, will come with tremendous insight. You've still got a lot of living left in you and figuring out these incredible introspective epiphanies is worth every ounce of the pain that it takes to unearth them.

Dive in my friend. Dive in fearlessly and see what's at the bottom of the pain. Do your diligence, turn yourself into a seeker of your own truth. If you do that, with no thought of how your W will react to it, your journey may bring you back to her. That's the only way to frame it.

I had to let my W completely go, fall apart, contemplate my own existence and whether it was worth continuing before I found some truth on which to build. I know now that without the real pain of that journey, any shot of reconciliation would have been worthless. My W would have sensed the insincerity on me, and felt it in her heart. She may not come back to me still, but I know I've done the work.

There's a big difference between abstinence and sobriety too. Abstinence is staying away alcohol - we can do that for years. Sobriety is learning what you were covering up with the alcohol. Abstinence is holding your breath. Sobriety is learning how to breathe differently for the rest of your life.

Are you working with AA or any organization like that?

Post all you want, I'll try to follow your threads and drop in from time to time.

[help67]

So we are still married, and she is with an om, this is something my w would not have done and so I guess she is in the fog, and sandi is probably right. My w said one of the things she wants to do is be a good mother, but a good mother of a 13 yr old d doesnt date married men while still married. I cant fix her, I can only fix me and be the best dad I can. My d came out to us as lesbian last month, and I wonder if this is truly who she is or if seperation has something to do with it. My d doesnt talk about the seperation, so I dont know how it is affecting her. I worry about her so much. I imagine family therapy is not something to ask w about or is it, any suggestions. Also my w mother was the most horrible person and so I guess my w thinks she is a good mom at this point because she is still better than her own mother.