Jim0987 #14 - due for another upgrade soon

[Mozza]

So XW update first: we had a school visit from D4s new school to my house for which my wife came round for. she was in my house for about an hour and didnt move from a rigid position on the sofa, wouldn't accept a drink even though it was 35 degrees (90s F) and didnt seem able/willing to engage in small talk about anything other than the kids - not even the weather and for a brit that's just weird

It is my belief, based on my reading of DB and some therapy, that your wife is engaged in an argument with you. She is making a point: she resents you deeply and wants you to agree that you have hurt her. She may not say it in words, but she speaks with her actions. Not talking about the weather is a good example of someone sending a message. "Don't change the topic." Same for not coming inside the home. I don't buy into the idea that it gives her flashbacks. She acts angry, not fragile.

I'm sticking with being chatty and positive regardless of the reaction i get from her.

If my theory is correct, then this is not the ideal reaction because it is your way of holding to your part of the argument with her. She tells you: "Things are bad and awful, you hurt me and you will suffer for what you've done!" and your attitude responds "Nope, things are good!" Every time you say "Bloody rain, right?" she hears "Get over it". It tells her that you don't hear her, that you don't get what she's trying to say, that you're trying to move along.

It's like the silent treatment. One wants the other to understand something through the silence. They will stay away, or walk loudly with their lips tightly shut, or openly avoid discussion such as at the kitchen table. These are all very loud messages, communications. Now imagine that in response to the silent treatment, the other spouse is chatty and positive. The silent spouse will be even more offended and will try harder to make the chatty spouse understand that the situation is serious, most likely that they have been hurt and it calls for an acknowledgement and atonement.

You might say that you've already told her that you realize how much you've hurt her and that you've apologized at length for it. It is likely not sufficient for her. It doesn't match the hurt you caused her. It would be a cop out. Talking is cheap. I'm not even sure what would be the right way for you to act, but it would have to be something that tells her "You're right". Maybe what you need to do is to stop offering her what she doesn't want, what feels like you're ignoring her pain. No more "come inside" or "what a lovely day, surely it won't last". It doesn't mean to be less cordial.

I can't seem to develop this idea entirely at the moment, but hopefully it is some food for thought already.

Mozza, you asked about dating, its a strange thing in that i want a relationship with someone but i really dont want to date. I went on a couple but it just seems too complicated and i was just comparing them to my XW which is never a good thing. I was also reminded how difficult i find it to read people and pick up on signals. I'll stay open to it but who knows what will happen.

I'll agree that if you're still looking for your WW, then you're not ready. I had the same inclination, and pretty intense, for months on end. I found every other women to be ugly. It passed. It had to. I don't think I could have dated prior to this. How do you expect that it will pass? Just time or anything active that you can do?