seperated 4 months

[sandi2]

Real DBing? What do you see as "real" DBing?

I realize you feel hopeless at the moment, but you have shown what determination you have, and that takes huge discipline and inner strength. Look what you have accomplished with your self-improvements! I admire anyone who overcomes any addiction.......especially drugs, alcohol, and tobacco.

I am going to make this plea with you. You will have very tough times and may want to give in to drinking again. Please, have a support group or person who will help you get through without turning to a bottle.

Changing one's behavior and staying changed for the better is truly remarkable. Yes, you have accomplished very much the past nine months. So many people give up after just a few weeks. You will benefit, and so will D12, b/c you are a better man today. Some day, there will be someone who will appreciate and love the man you have become. Maybe that will be your W, or someone new.....IDK, but you have a future waiting. It can be a good future, although it may be difficult to see at this moment.

Before you set out to read the entire DR book again, please start with pages193 and read through that chapter. It is about infidelity.

So I wont send that email. Is it too late to do real db'ing now that we are in that friend box. I am listening and really need your help, so besides GAL, detach, an coparent, what else. Do I say anything to my w or do I just act db'ing

I would not initiate an explanation to your W. You need to pull completely out of her life, and exchange child visitation with a business like manner, without trying to spend time and talk to the W. If she calls or emails you, respond if it concerns D12, but do not engage in conversation. If she should invite you to meet her or asks what's wrong, calmly tell her, "Considering you are in an affair, there is no point in our visiting each other. I will not be in an open M and I won't be settle for just being your friend while you conduct your A". "I plan to be civil and respectful, as you are the mother of my child, but as things stand now, I will not pursue any relationship with you, other than co-parenting our child".

This statement may need to come sooner than you think, so memorize it. Give her no promises of always being there for her, or that you will always love her, etc. Those type of statements should not be made during this time she is involved with OM. Everything has changed since learning of her A, and she needs to get the message that she doesn't get to have OM and you.

I am not sure what you mean by "act DBing". It leads me to think you never fully understood the concept. Yes, she is in an A, and you are standing tall and saying you won't be in an open M nor be her BFF. There are other things you can do that still could bust the divorce. Begin with applying the 37 rules!

I have noticed she seems to leave a little crack in the doorway by telling you how you never know what may happen. Dangling just enough hope to keep you waiting in the wings, as her plan B. She really has to believe she has lost you. Understand? Until now, she had both men. OM will mess up, eventually, and be ready to move on to his next affair. She will have to see how she has ruined the M and lost her H for the OM. It takes a long time and she will need to experience some things, but there is a chance she will be turning back to you (but more about that later).

In the meantime, you let her go. No more waiting around to GAL. Don't continue being lonely.....thinking the M will R.

Here is a post that explains detaching. Please read it carefully.

Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)

I. Detachment

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.

When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.

When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.

We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).

We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)


PART II Detachment (found around here)

Detachment is the:

* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.

* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.

* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.

* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.

* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.

* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.

* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.

* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.

* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).

* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."

IF & WHEN THESE ^^^ FACTORS ARE ADDRESSED, -

We could have a great friendship, or a great marriage. And those are treasures.