seperated 4 months

[help67]

[quote]Thinking about sending my ww an email validating her reasons, letting her know I want to rebuild with her, but I wont be in a open marriage if she doesnt want to rebuild. Someone tell me why that is a bad idea, I guess I already know it is. Do I just go nc other than childcare. She said she has enjoyed the last 2 months of our interactions, just a way to keep me attached I guess. I am very lonely and confused rihht now, going to IC soon.

She doesn't want to rebuild. Look, by her telling you about her A with a married man and how you need to be dating........don't you get the picture? And you want to respond by taking the blame for her adultery? Bad move, if you ask me. She has hid this for all these months and just as you think things are better, she informs you of the A. I think it is b/c they plan to be more public about it.

She already knows you want to rebuild the M. You have apologized and validated her reasons for leaving how many times? She has no doubt about what you want. But this is the wrong time to be apologizing, validating, and taking the fall for the A. It is the wrong time to be telling her you want to save the M. She knows if OM doesn't work out, she always has you waiting in the wings.

Telling her that you won't live in an open marriage is useless when you turn around and admit it is not a deal breaker. The two of you have been S for for 9 months, during which time she admits to dating this M man. Obviously, she must think the A will develop or else she's willing to accept OM's open marriage rules (he claims his W agrees). So, unless you want her to laugh in your face (or the two of them laughing behind your back), don't send that email, please.

We all but begged you to get out and GAL apart from her, and we encouraged you to make new friends. Have you done any of those? It breaks my heart to picture how lonely you have been and thinking only of her coming back. How many of the 37 rules would say you actually applied? I am not trying to sound as if I'm your mother giving you a scolding, I want you to see how you seemly ignored our advice to butt with your own head. And the killer is how you really believed progress was made.

If there had been no affair, then yes, I would believe this was a WAW who left b/c of the terrible years she endured in the M. Even if you contributed to her misery/unhappiness, she still made her own personal choices, right? She may have been in a vulnerable state when OM made his moves on her.......but she chose from her own volition. So, what has progressed between you and W these past two months is called "friendship".

It will be no concern or worry for her, if you present her with this (shall I call it a boundary?), unless you know without a doubt you are ready to move on without her. Are you? You are too dependent upon having her in your life b/c, with the exception of D12, she's about all you have (according to what you've relayed in your posts). I am concerned you will accept being just her friend while she continues to conduct her A. And if you can live with that, and settle for being just friends......then that's your business. However, I still plead with you to not send that email, believing this will end the A or cause her to have second thought. It won't.

Hope, did you ever complete the book? You were on the board for a long time, when you finally admitted you had began reading it

So, is it too late for us then. Here is where I am at, and I will get my head out of my a$$ and listen. I don't want to lose her, I want us to be a family again, the right way, I want us to do that work together. So I wont send her an ultimatum, but what about the sitch I am in now as just a friend. How do I go about changing that dynamic without being ready to move on from her.