TLEE86 Part IV

[Vanilla]

Thank you Cadet, Toots, and Z for the words and advice. I am...struggling. And I think I need to see someone.

It is worth throwing everything you can to develop full mental health.

It's been about 9months since BD. And I am still on the roller coaster. I look around and it seems most that I started this journey with are no longer on the roller coaster, but trying to accept and live their lives. If WAS wants to join them, then awesome. But if not, they are living their life. I am not.

TLee, it's odd, I have been here the same length of time, I see the opposite! I see those who want to develop themselves, staying growing and Developing. It depends who we posted too. In general those who have had the greatest abuse or most complex sitch are here the longest. My sweet TLee that is you and I and Zelda and mustardseed and Greengrass and RD...........
You know this in your thoughts and mind.
Those that can let go of the outcome, have peace sooner.


I don't know what it is, maybe I am stubborn, maybe its my attitude, maybe my "Always have to be in charge/control" personality..but I am still on this ride.

reframe this TLee, it's because that is how long it's taking and at the end of it the renewal will be real and permanent.

9months later...and I am still realizing that I do the following things- I think I need help.

If you feel that there is a choice.

- Havent slept in our bed since Oct 5 (BD); been sleeping on the couch for 9months because I just cant sleep in the bed

I get this, I really do. I slept on a cot bed. It took me almost two months to reclaim my bedroom. If you examine my sitch you will see I stripped everything of WH away. New bed, new bedding, new duvet, new pillows etc, I had spares so I used those. I am busy cleaning, clearing and decorating.

- Still pining for contact, waiting to see if she will text/call

I am currently working on a post on Trauma bonding and Stockholm syndrome for the abuse thread. I believe the roots like there. I am the same, I decided NC for my sanity.

- Never leaving the house on the weekends; I don't even walk the dogs anymore, working out is hit or miss now

Yes, I can sympathise. Little baby steps, small challenges each day TLee.

- Still snooping on our phone bills

Separate the bills, that will stop you. Create a barrier.

- Therapy/IC is a waste of time for me- I just say whatever I want to say for an hour and thats about it. There is no...going anywhere with it. No fix.

I found that for a while, then I changed IC to one who was more direct and challenging. I also did CBT and that moved me forward. if what you are doing isn't working then something new different is called for. Gan travels, V works, Toots does falconry and volunteers and Greengrass wears red kick ass high heels.

- Still wondering why, how, thinking "Oh today she said this, or why didnt she text today"

Thats because you are bonded and trapped. Can you think of a dozen small things you can do when this starts?

- And a million other things.

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W is still playing the victim card, the..."I hurt too T, I still care, but we will never be able to get to that place our M used to be again. Talking to you hurts me...and it stresses me about...no matter what we talk about...this is because of what you did, I hurt during and after everything happened..etc etc."

That's what waywards do and say, and this doesn't make it so. In fact one of the things I have learned is when the wayward says these things they are talking about the gap in themselves that they are expecting you to fill. Any description or label they give to you is how they feel about themselves. If they say you are mean then you are generous, if they say you are cold hearted then really the warmth shines through.

So now we barely talk. But we havent talked about a way ahead, whether thats D or R. Its just...silence. I suggested maybe bringing in a 3rd party, a mediator, someone to help us talk about something besides the dogs and the weather. She doesnt know.

No talking will make WW change, she has to do this for herself. TLee concentrate on you at this time. Forget the dogs or weather, just be you and peaceful instead.

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I was told I too am playing the victim card, I don't see how, maybe I am, I don't know much of anything anymore.

Who told you that? If it's WW, 100% rule.......

I need help. I truly do, but Im too proud to get it, too lazy to get it, too...i don't give a [censored] to get it. I have very very dark thoughts lately. Very dark. And it scares me.

TLee a safe person in your life needs to know this.

My best friends don't care anymore, they have nothing left to say to me. I don't know anyone well enough where I am now to talk to anyone about it. The unit chaplain is horrible, he responds when he feels like it, and never seems to check up on things. Ive never had a chaplain not return phone calls. I feel so alone. I do enough to get through work and then come home and Im a hot mess. And the day repeats. For 9months now.

This is very tough TLee. Very tough and makes me sad for the lack of care of you.

I read stories here all the time, the latest ones LITB, Karma, and 1 other, I forget who, but all these people still DBing, over 2 years later...how LITB survived 2 different piecings I don't know...

So you acknowledge there are those of us who need longer and are in more complex psychological sitch. For me this stated Feb 2014 and my recovery is only just beginning. If there is anything to do its to stay NC.

I just don't know how to not hang onto her every word. Her every action or inaction. I keep trying to fix things, maybe because there is literally no problem in the world, no goal of mine since I can remember, that I have ever not achieved. Ive literally accomplished every single task Ive ever wanted to. If there is a problem, there is a solution. There has to be. But I havent let this go. And 9, almost 10months later, I am still on the roller coaster. And the ride continues. Now, its just a silent ride. We barely talk. But I still cant get over it. I need help. Im not doing well.

You may not be thriving, and I can see you doing better.


V