Your words are very comforting. The one thing that I know is that I can no longer be naive, unknowing and innocent.
I was taught to believe in Miller's principle, as a senior manager that was my training, "In order to understand what another is saying, we assume there is truth in it and decide what can be true"
Then we apply that rule in reverse and ask why we ask what is false and ask "what is wrong with the other". This stops us from closing down and from rejecting the other. The abuser targets those who give the benefit of the doubt, who question themselves.
In most circumstances this extra fly on the wall helps me, it is successful in the working world it helps me move forwards to build bridges with clients and staff. It work for me, but it is an impediment, a different choice is needed. The 100% rule, so I have had to learn there are times when the Miller Principle is a principle not a law. It is not immutable.
I must move forwards in my thinking, a costly lesson.
I decided this, I will not participate in abuse, by counter attacking (screaming banshee), by discussion or logic, and by pleading or asking for it to stop. All of this is a 'win' for an abuser. Validating doesn't help but it neutralises, it deescalates that abuse incident, but the abuser then raises the bar. It was ineffective last time so increase the abuse.
Much as I would like to really dislike WH or get revenge I can't. I don't feel sorry for WH, this is his choice of behaviour.
Abuse is dangerous for most abusers, WH is hostile and extistentially lonely, he has few friends and little support. WH gets pleasure or reward from abusing or he would stop doing it, he doesn't want to give it up.
Research tells me that:
For all illnesses and injuries an important risk factor is exposure to hostility and loneliness and it takes longer to recover. Hostility almost guarantees loneliness, no one really wants to be around an angry person. Those who are abusive around children have verbally abusive grandchildren and adult dysfunctional children.
I am doing my trauma work, I know adrenalin lasts about 15 minutes give or take 5 depending on blood dosage, a hormone in my blood which will clear. the anxiety attack will pass, all things will pass.
H played a staged strategy, firstly, I am your friend, but talks about me and crickets me to others, behaves one way to my face and another behind my back. He tells me the bad things others say, gives double messages, undermines my confidence in myself. Then it escalated in that he pointed out my weaknesses, diminished my accomplishments, is indignantly justifying feigns hurt. Put me down to others. When that didn't work, he got angrier and angrier and when drunk or under the influence was unbearable. Like a smiling crocodile at its prey.
He calculated it, but eventually even a peaceable V listened to her heart, her friends and family.
WH knows what he does, he is not unconcious of it.
He escalated to regain control and get his resources back. WH will move on to another target, he has to do it. He has little choice as he is without resources now.
I am here repairing the damage.
With my personal loving IC RD, who has been there in some of my darkest hours. At least now I know so the puzzlement is gone.
Thank you RD
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
