Vanilla Fudged 19

[Vanilla]

Zelda

Some days are ok, I function but can't perform. At least I am doing something. Other days I flaff and fluff and I get nothing done.

I panic and feel exhausted, permanent hard knots of anxiety. My stomach feels like there is a solid rock in it. My heart is heavy, my knees hurt.

The weather is good but I don't want to be outside. Mainly I feel like resting but I still don't feel less tired.

I go GAL and there are moments when it's ok, brief glimpses of normality.

This is not about WH, it is about being.

I haven't checked my email for a week, there could be time bombs.

I let myself off the hook for this, I know it has to be, it is part of the trauma healing process and I must face it down. I accept that joylessness is part of the pain. I will get as much from this as I can, it's part of life.

Today is another day, I want to be well, extreme care. I have given up sugar, alcohol goes completely too. Exercise will come next.

I want to be really well, I want to eat, glow and nourish, but it seems like too much like hard work and I will just have to push through it.

I have been reading books about abuse, whilst that fixes some ideas other thoughts emerge. It takes two to Tango, you can't be abused without your consent. But that's not my experience, at the point I said I will not be abused, it worsened, I changed I set boundaries. I tried almost everything I could, every technique. I looked at posture, tone, neutrality, grey breeze block, STFU, walk away, coolness, responses, anger return, withdrawal, and validating. And I prayed for guidance for WH to stop because he wanted to stop.

I tried intervention, VSO support and counselling. I consulted, discussed, sought help from my higher power.

At the end of the day all I have is NC, pitch black but that hasn't stopped it. The wretch turns up unexpectedly, texts and rants. All about money.

This abuser abuses, did I train him this was rewarding, is it in him?

At this point I do not care why, I just want it to stop.

V