Little Cloud of Dust - PigPen & The WAW (3)

[PigPen]

Thank you Teach, Bob and of course, V. I am very touched by your kindness and appreciate you all immensely.

Truly V, I am proud of myself, but it is a tainted pride. My IC asked me how I felt about next week's meeting and I told him quite truthfully, I am terrified. Not because if I make a mistake my W will leave me, or somehow I'm going to push her further away - she's long gone. But because I have to be myself, completely vulnerable, with nothing to hide behind.

That is not about admitting that I smoked too much, or drank too much, or lied about any of it, but because I will have to sit there and be completely me. It may sound odd to others, but for me that evokes true terror, even in front of someone as forgiving and loving as my W. Somewhere in my being I believe that to be seen is akin to death. My hand starts to shake when I think about it, and I have been paid well in my life to protect people who's lives were in imminent danger. I have been armed in dangerous situations and not blinked an eye, but to my core am scared of being honest about what I was going through in my M. It makes no sense to me rationally.

My pride is tainted because I know that my turnaround came only after so much pain was inflicted upon the one person I love more than anyone else in the world, that she could only remove herself as protection. That is not who I am. That is how I acted though. I went from protector, to cause of harm. That's nothing to be proud of.

Real courage would have been to be honest when asked, to be vulnerable enough years ago to say, "I think I have a problem and need your help." This is courage after the fact, and that's not courage at all. No I have nothing left to lose but the bullshit story I've been hiding behind for 25 years.

I know that saying, " the best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago, the second best time is today." So on some level I'm glad that my tree got planted 166 days ago. I'm going to water it everyday till I pass on and hope that it grows strong and gives other people a good reason to plant their own.

Next week I'm going to muster as much courage as I have in my whole heart and speak my truth, unfazed by any potential negative consequences of doing so. I know enough to know I'm not going to die from it, even if it feels like it. If I do, my W will probably resuscitate me, just so she can have the pleasure of D'ing me later!