Look Who's Come to My Picnic

[bustingout]

Thank you Job :-) it is so comforting to know that you are out there.

I am trying as much as possible to keep a level head and focus on the rationale rather than the emotional right now. I don't think I have really grieved my mum's loss to be honest and I know that will come.

I have so many questions and to be honest, it is the voice of you, J3B, Cadet and starsky I hear when I imagine the responses :-)

I guess my most pressing question is is this 'normal'? Sometimes I feel like I am missing out on the best years of my life, intimacy, adventures, etc, and then I think, does it really matter..?? It will come with time. But How much time? A part of me is very content having my space and own bed but another part of me wants to be wanted by him.

And I also think, why if this is as good as it gets? I suppose a part of me imagined a sort of joy from his end that we were coming back together as a family and a couple. I don't see joy though. No excitement. I am excited inside. My family has a chance..! But am afraid to show it so I don't scare him off. Sometimes I feel like he does not realize just what the hell was actually going on the past five years. He still talks about Dubai as a 'business decision' which is only partially true. He does not acknowledge anything else. Well, that's not completely true. He has said that he knows he has to clean up his mess. He has also acknowledged that he tends to be a 'yes' person and does not want to be that anymore- making promises to people that he can't keep, just trying to please others. I see that as growth.

I suppose more than anything I am just feeling done with this and his crisis. I want to continue growing and learning and living and until he faces it and leaves it behind, it's still there, still a part of me. Is that selfish?

Job how are you? How are you spending your holiday weekend? I hope filled with love and joy. How could you not be though? It is who you are (((()))) xxx