I get home late and she's falling asleep but crying. Having a few drinks I rub her back in a consoling manner. She asks why do I try? I ask if she thinks I've given up. She says she's not crying because of our failed marriage. She's crying because she still loves OM and he won't even see her. I rub her back for a minute or two more and then go to sleep.
T33, I believe with Caliguy's help, you can look back at the above quote now and see things more clearly. A lot of the LBS get confused when reading books and forums. Personally, I think many newcomers have a stumbling block that causes most of their confusion in the beginning of DBing. You see, there are thousands upon thousands of books, and other resources, that tell us how we can have a better M. They give all these tips that will improve the couple's relationship.
Recognizing where you fell short in the MR, is one of the first things we suggest on this forum. Being able to understand that your S had unmet needs, etc., is another area we urge newcomers to give serious thought. We strongly encourage the newcomers to apply 180's. The LBS is focusing on what the WAS wanted during their M history. So now the LBS is charged and ready to become the new & improved S. Okay, that is all well & good. But here comes the stumbling block.
IMHO, there should be some type of distinction in the advice for people who need guidance in how to improve their M that is not being threatened by D .............and the advice for those who already have a S who is ready to walk away and throwing the D word at the LBS. There should be even further distinction in the advice given for LBS who are dealing with infidelity. I won't go into details about the wayward S, b/c I attempted to explain my views in the thread about WW's. The point I am trying to make here is that many newcomers get all these pieces of advice jumbled together in their head. If we tell him he needs to back away, he says, "But that was our initial problem". It becomes a stumbling block in his complete understanding of what he needs to do and not do at that particular time for his particular place in his journey.
We have seen many newcomers who read DR and by the time they get to the chapters where MWD, herself, writes about a tougher application.......they seem to slide past it. They get LRT, 180's, DTR, Going Dark, etc., so confused as to what to apply and when to apply to their individual stitch.
As far as that letter from the guy who was willing to just be a friend to his WW who had left him and continued her affair? I do not agree with the author of that letter. He said nothing about trying any of the methods in Michele's book. He just decided early on to be his WW's BFF. Hey, if it really did work out for him.......I'm happy. But I have strong doubts his WW would be romantically attracted to a guy who was so willing to just settle for friendship while she dishonored him and their M. But, that's just this one woman's opinion.........and that letter was just one out of thousands of posts on this forum that have shown the BFF route is not as "safe" as you may think it is. I believe there can be several relationships that the WW would refer to as "just friends", however, there is only ONE position refered as "husband". You decide which position you want.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
