Rebuilding my castle...foundation is halfway...

[LoisB]

Ok. So, update on counselor search:

I've met with three now. The last one was really expensive and I was disappointed because she wasn't as solution-oriented as I was hoping for. She's more "let's dig into your childhood."

However, I learned a good deal. She specializes in women with ADD.

First thing I learned...Transitions are really hard for me. Simple transitions like getting to the office. Getting home. Stuff like that. Rolling out of bed, grabbing my computer works best for me and I need to keep moving towards this type of schedule... but, I need a strong support system around me to stay on track. I seem to thrive with plenty of positive encouragement.

This really struck a chord because...as we discussed my life so far... I could see how, especially during times of great stress, I retreat to my house. I become a homebody.

She said that I'm just somebody who struggles with transitioning from one role to another. My brain gets muddled and it's not my fault. It is what it is.

However, I can't stay inside for the rest of my life.

BUT... She suggested I create a schedule. I think outside of the box and create a schedule that works for me.

So, the company has given the OK on some new office hours. 11 a.m. to 1 p.m.

This morning, I got up at 5:30 and started writing by 6 a.m. If I can begin writing each morning by 6 a.m. and write at least a good portion of a story until 9:30 or so...I could have a story written every day.

I got up this morning and did. I had 1.5 stories complete by 9:30 a.m.

It's weird. I read somewhere that will people who have ADHD/Asperger's that sometimes it's a really small tweak in the schedule or routine that makes all the difference.

My mood feels very different because I already have something done.

Also, the procrastination and avoidance. The therapist had some great insight into this. Apparently, there's some research to suggest that folks who procrastinate/avoid have less dopamine running through their systems. And, the brain will actually use procrastination and the pressure building up as a way of getting the brain to focus, adrenalin begins to surge and you get some clarity.

I've noticed that I have to be either really, really relaxed to write or super stressed and pushed to the edge.

She said that may never change and I will have to learn how to push through it.

The hard part, according to this therapist, I have to figure out how to ease the anxiety which has grown from a lifetime of shame for struggling in certain areas. I was a bit overwhelmed when I began explaining the anxiety I experience. I, literally, feel like I'm going to be devoured by some monster that's out to get me.

She believes years of criticism and judgement have sorta left this running dialogue in my brain.

It's like I developed this idea of who I am based upon some faulty information and I've created a self-fulfilling prophecy. She asked me to go way back and I had memories of pre-school where I was very shy and afraid, but felt this huge pressure to perform to make my parents happy. I have always had this pressure to make myself fit like a square going into a round hole.

I see how I have had this feeling throughout my life. I would always put things off to the last minute and I'd do this great job which meant... My dad or teacher or whomever would say, "See! If you only applied yourself!"

Or, I'd get the lecture on screwing up again. I began to believe that I was just a loser who couldn't handle life.

Then, throw in a few kids and an alcoholic husband, some failed business efforts, messed up jobs, terrible finances and I shut all the exterior noise out, so I could focus on what was in front me.

Maybe she wasn't a waste of money after all.

I have this ticker tape running through my head constantly with all the shoulds and musts and couldas...

Kinda like someone said to this shy little girl who was desperate to please... YOU SHOULD BE THIS. I wasn't, so I assumed that meant I was a failure. Instead of helping me, supporting me, encouraging me to become the best ME I could be... I was told I HAD to BE this certain way which was NOT me.

I was told to be outgoing, popular, academically successful, good with numbers... I was supposed to be Marcia Brady. I was actually more of a Jan. I'd definitely be the one wearing the weird wig to the party.

So, before I even started in life, I felt like I failed and with each attempt to be all of the above, I'd fail again which reinforced those terrible feelings.

Then, throw in a large dose of criticism and hypervigilance and judgement among my family and husband... I was sorta set up. Now, I have an actual history of failures with money and shame from bad decisions. I have to let it go to move forward.

There are certain things I'm terrible at and I need extra support around me to make these things work. That may be why I feel so angry with my family. Kinda like I feel like I've been drowning and they just watch from afar. I know they've tried to help in their own way.

All of this, combined, is what makes me so good with children. I completely get how important it is to focus on what children are good at, instead of where they lack skills. I think this is especially true for kids who struggle in certain areas, have perfectionist tendencies and go through traumas like MLC.

OH! And, driving is exhausting for me. I have to work extra, extra hard to drive because my focus is all over the place. So, my 40 minute drive and, then, back from work is drawing a lot of my energy. Once I get where I'm going, I'm usually a lump. I'm hoping that writing in the morning will help this. Get the hard stuff done first. Leave the easy for the rest of the day.

I have one more coach I want to look into. He worked with creative types like myself who have a hard time organizing.

Jesus had a good team around him. That's my plan. I'm putting together my team.