Look Who's Come to My Picnic

[bustingout]

Hello everyone.

It's been a long time since I posted and I feel like it's time for an update.

My mum passed away on 7 May. It was, of course, very tough. H was by my side and with me and my family the whole time.

Since then I felt something switch inside of me. Like I had unpeeled yet another layer of myself. In a nutshell I felt really done with the past 5 years of my life. I felt completely ready to put it all behind me 100 percent with or without H. No more drama, no more standing, just...no more. And I can say it was honestly the first time I felt that way so completely since this started - I had no more fear.

In the meantime, H was moving back home for good. He packed up Dubai ( although that also had to do with several bad business decisions over the past 2.5 years) and moved back home. I had heard some whispers of Ex Ow being here and there...H speaking to her.... Having to pack up Dubai as well... Anyway....

I called H before he came back from Dubai and told him I had come to a decision - my boundary for him to come home was absolutely zero contact with ex OW, transparency and the rebuilding of trust. I said I am ready to break the family up for it because I was DONE. No threats, no ultimatums. It was his choice. I respected it whatever it was, but this is how I want to live, and if he wants to be a part of that, great. If not, that's fine too.

He did not like it at first, but that was fine with me. It wasn't the OW, it was that I was putting a boundary. He said ' I have no choice then' I said ' you always have choice, no one is telling you what to do'. ( he doesn't like to feel like he is being told what to do-- who does. But he realized I really was NOT telling him what to do, only what I wanted and if he could not accommodate then that's ok ).

He returned from Dubai about a week after that phone call and before he unpacked I asked him to chat. I repeated what I said on the phone. He said 'yes' I said ' yes, what?'

He said ' yes, I will not contact or speak to OW and if she contacts me I will tell you'. He agreed to be more transparent and rebuild trust.

Since then, it's been calm and warm. We have been alone as a family on summer holiday for the first time in 5 years. He is an amazing father ( touch wood). I can't believe it in fact. I stop and just watch almost in awe. It's awkward to have him show interest in me again. I can't remember him being kind to me and it almost seems weird ( The past 5 years really dominates my image of him and I know that needs to change). We enjoy quiet time together, watching tv shows, chit chatting and spending a lot of time together as a family. We have not been intimate, we do not sleep in the same bed still. He is still a it private and he is withdrawn. He has lost a lot of money over the years, and has made very poor decisions which have left him with not much. He has us though and I think he realizes that finally.

He doesn't talk a lot about what happened, not at all. I know that needs to happen. It's almost like sparing with someone who has come out of a horrific accident and just needs to work through it before they can talk about it.

There is a tremendous amount of respect being accorded by both of us which I really appreciate. I still read these forums and have been reviewing the 6 stages again, and I understand my role is fundamental to his recovery as well. Especially now. Sometimes that is hard because inside my head and heart I want to just shutdown and have someone tell me that everything will be ok. But I know that I am my own person and I don't actually need that. I am strong and independent and wow- have changed so much.

So I am sitting here now having a drink with H as the kids play in the garden. Thank you God. I am forever a believer, and grateful, and humble and thankful.