Matt peaked his head out of rabbit hole yesterday. He said some very nice things and I was validating, supportive and didn't drag the exchange out. I'm very proud of myself. It's taken a long time to get to this place.
We had been communicating because D20 is buying a car. I had asked him to continue paying for the car insurance for her car. Anyway, he was pretty aloof at first. In a weak moment I confided to him how this was a hard time of year for me. Maybe it wasn't weak. I don't know. A nicer man than I've known in a while responded.
D20's b'day is July 2 Our wedding anniversary is July 6 I discovered the OW on July 4 three years ago
He apologized for the bad memories he was responsible for.
This started an exchange which last much of the rest of the day.
He asked about dog and cats. Always the pets?!! I think they are his safe way of expressing some of the whatever. He's projected his feelings onto them, maybe? He used to do this when we were together. TV commercials and pets.
Anyway.
I told him our dog hasn't been happy and she misses our swimming pond. He revealed he misses the pond too and how Lake Erie just isn't the same.
I told him I've received some job offers elsewhere. I was very careful to keep the details to myself. But, his reaction sorta surprised me.
He said he didn't want us moving farther away because "your already far enough away and I don't want ya farther."
This went on for a bit. He revealed he had been looking for my articles online and couldn't find them because we don't have a website... "Unless you just started posting them."
Ok. So, I gave him our Facebook page and he seemed really happy and grateful. It's linked to my FB page so IDK. I was OK with it. It's a good pic of me. :-)
I thought that was the end of it.
Then, later, he texted me again. He said he'd have to increase the deductible on my car and D20's in order to afford her new vehicle. I asked what he was paying on his truck and he only has liability. So, I'm ok with that. I thought that was nice of him.
I told him so.
He responded... and he responds with this in almost every interaction. "See, I gave her a $50 gift card too. I'm not the total ass you think I am."
I sensed this very small little boy talking. A very fragile child.
So, I responded, "Are you sure it's me who thinks you are an ass, or you?"
Matt: "I think you think so."
I thought hard about how to reply. I mean, let's be real, he's acted like a total a-hole.
Me: I think I've been pretty unwaivering when it comes to believing in the real you... Not the asshat b.s.
That seemed to lighten his mood.
Then, I gave him a big atta boy for putting the insurance stuff into place. It was her b'day.
I'm not sure how she will respond to the news. I know he tried to call her which was very brave.
For me, I thanked him for giving me a nice memory and told him how nice it was that we worked together to help our kid on her birthday.
We teased a little about the cat. Back to the safety of the pets. I'm leaving it.
I somehow got my needs met with this weird exchange. I was reminded this isn't about me. I was reminded how this man is very fragile and seems to miss his family. I was reminded how our memories together as a family weren't imagined or unimportant. I was reminded how there was still love there and it will never go despite all the nasty, horrific, unimaginable pain and hurtful behavior/rejection.
He loved me then. He loves me now. But, he is broken.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
