Crisortunity - A beautiful world with endless possibilities.

[Pyrite]

The past is an open book. We just have to learn how to read it.

The past week has been rough. I have been wallowing in sadness and anger. Over everything, but the trigger, or the impetus has been my pain of feeling betrayed and rejected. It goes in circles, and at times I am effectively back at the stage of not being able to accept that my W ended the M. Then I am angry at myself for having backslid to this position after having moved so far past this. I cant help but feeling like my previous “achievements” were not real. They were just episodes of self delusion.

My newfound L advised W of my intention to NOT just bow down and facilitate her new lifestyle and give into her every whimsy at the expense of both the children and myself . She was fuming. She suggested that I was only doing this out of hatred and anger. I rebutted that this was not at all the case. I told her that I forgive her and have personally grown a great deal through this. I told her that I am finding myself and I think I can be me and still love her, but if she can’t be her and love me, then I don’t want that sort of R. So this is our only path. I told her that I understood her ending the M and pursuing A but I felt disrespected by her behaviour since BD.

W responded that she wanted to talk in person. She felt she could comfort me by telling me what was in her mind. I declined, but then I had a spontaneous discussion with my W, and she still had the above in mind. She proceeded to tell me that she was in love with other man and sleeping with him, but even if it wasn’t for OM, freeing herself from M to me was like removing a thorn from her side. This was her comforting speech.

If it wasn’t such ridiculous premise it would’ve been deeply hurtful. It is the sort of inappropriate social interaction that I have come to expect from my W. Hence I am starting to consider the suggestion by others that she in fact has Aspergers.

Anyway, I went off on holiday with my friends for a week and pretty much wrote this comforting speech off as just more spew. Came back, had the kids for a week. Worked for a week, started backsliding and today saw my IC. I commented that I was disappointed at my backsliding in the past several days. She pointed out that it is absolutely possible that I am just now processing what was said few weeks ago. Now that I think about it, I think she is right.

My life changed tracks, again. Just hearing that made it all “forgiveable” again. I haven’t been fooling myself. I have moved forward a great deal. This validated that the pain I was suffering had a real cause. This just highlights for me, and I hope it might help someone to realize this as well. There are so many things we have to keep reminding ourselves of through this process, and one of the big ones is to not be unduly hard on yourself.

Unduly is almost the keyword here. I was being unduly hard on myself. Thinking it was my failure to have backslid into despair, when really it was salt being rubbed into the wound that caused it. Even if there hadn’t been such an event as that comforting discussion, the fact of a R break up doesn’t go away overnight. Situational reminders are enough.

So – take home message – go easy on yourself. Forgive yourself for taking a few steps backwards every now and then. It happens. It is part of the process. The process of grief. Grief for the loss of a loved one. Not from this world as your loved one, but from your love as part of this world.