Two of them are his kids one is mine. I do agree it seems hard to see changes and when things do change they seem so drastic because i live the bad 7 days a week. just like in my original post i said he was kinder spending more time at home ect. then we fought and its back to square one! I used to be the one on the rollercoaster of emotions up down all over the place due to depression. i am now controlling that with medication and IC. We do live pretty closely as I stated the only difference is he tells me instead of asks me if he can do things and there is no intimacy. I am always the one to initiate time together I will ask do you want to watch tv with me do you want to spend time together ect. So maybe for my 180 I will stop initiating these and see if he starts to initiate. I will still try to do things he enjoys like going to the garage. But i will not ask him to do 1 to 1 things with me. I will ask him to go but I need to stop fearing his reaction if we leave without him. I also fear, for no reason as he has never said no, that he would not let me take them as he can do that. As for the peace. I want a peaceful home for the kids not me. they have already dealt with a year of us fighting. it broke my heart last week when we in calm voices disagreed and the 4 year old said "now you and daddy will fight all day" I do not want my kids in an environment like that I grew up that way and now i swear all i know is fighting and screaming to get your way. So peace is important to me and the kids it is also one of his issues he says everytime we get back together it turns into an all out war. I want to get a long and be kind, supportive, and respectful for myself. I hate the person I have become spiteful hateful and no cares how i make him feel. I feel keeping the peace also helps stop some of the resentment and if i am not fighting with him he has no one to blame but himself for his unhappiness. Really keeping the peace is a 180 for me because i will argue about anything. AS for peace or meaningful. I would like both. Meaningful is my ultimate goal but i feel like there has to peace for it to begin to mean anything as there has been so much turmoil for so long. we could barely go a day without yelling or fighting eachother. A meaningful relationship means more to me than the peace. MY ultimate goal is to become an 'emotionally stable" caring person who can be supportive, it is who i was in the beginning. we are always the best of friends until about a year or 2 into it. I need to stop being controlling judgemental and holding on to resentment. I feel those changes are more for me. I do not want to be the person I have become! My ultimate end goal is to come out of this a better person with more understanding of myself. the other half of this goal is for him to end his A and try to work on this relationship. I am not sure the latter will happen but i want to take the time to become a better me! I do not have a life currently. If I am not at work I am home taking care of things or running errands or with the kids. I am to blame for that. he always tells me to go do things he is willing to watch the kids anytime even if it is friday or saturday. He has NEVER told me i can not do something. I choose to sit at home and be with the kids. Maybe part of my GAL can be with the kids going to the park one time a week. A movie in OUR bedroom with popcorn as for getting out of the house I do NEED to do that but I am so money conscious because i control all of it so i know where we stand. its pretty scary! But then again you are right. Why should he get to spend 80$ racing plus money to go out with her and I just get to sit home and worry about money?? Makes sense now that YOU asked it instead of me just looking at it and defending my own ways. So one thing I used to enjoy was just going to the mall and looking around. it does not matter to me if i buy anything or not its just getting out for me. i know probably sounds lame but I am a shopper and a browser1 I also enjoy reading it sounds lame also but I love to go the garage turn the fan on and sit out there without him or the kids its a quiet area. MY daughter is the only one here on thursdays and we used to go out to eat every week same place it was our date I will maybe do that one time a month instead of weekly due to finances. My kids have been begging to go to church so we could do that the two weekends a month I am off work. as for groups and ect i live in a town of 2000 people over half of them over the age of 65 so not much of that around here lol. And volunteering in a nursing home, hospital setting is for sure out of the question as I work as a CNA with a Nursing degree *NEVER took my boards" so I do not think extra healthcare time would help me lol. there are a few friends I would like to reconnect with as i have practically shut myself out of the world due to kids activities work and being with them. During the school year my kids have activities 3-4 days a week i work every other weekend and I do all of the activity running around. He was in school full time and was not home when they needed to leave and I usually drive about 30 minutes away from home so i can not just drop them off go do something and come back as there classes stagger and i can not leave the 4 year old unattended! Dance nights in town toward the end of it I did start making him either take them to class each one of them or he had to make dinner. as in the beginning i did both every night. it did not matter if he got home at 5 and i got home at 730 i made dinner. i put my foot down and started telling him to cook! My other fear with GAL is he always says if I dont want to watch them her will find someone to do it for him if he is going out. if we both wanted to go out on a friday night he wouldnt skip it he would just find someone to watch them and i HATE that. I should be able to go out and him stay home every once in a while. Maybe i am just being selfish and should pick another day! but it is a little harder to go out durring the week as everyone works! It does look like i am starting to have a plan. movie in room with kids, reading alone, dinner date with daughter, play day (swimming, park game night,ect) once a week. My goal in this is to have a stronger relationship with the kids. I have focused so much energy on saving this relationship and fighting and pursuing they unfortunatly have gotten pushed to the side. so this should allow me to focus on them. Anytime there is extra money i will go get a pedicure i LOVE them! or have a girls night out! Thanks Mat777 for picking my brain and giving feed back i need straight forward questions and guidance just like you are giving! THANKS SO MUCH! keep disecting away and giving me feed back I need all the help I can get taking my life back over for me!
