What are the ages of you and W, and how many years have you been together?
You are seeking help from a great deal of resources in a relative short period of time. Blend it with all the various stressors you face right now, you must be feeling like a man who is about to go under the last time. Considering your health, I hope you will take a deep breath and try to calm yourself as much as possible. I believe when a person is under tremdous pressure and trying to obtain so much "quick" information, it could result in what I call "brain overload". Has nothing to do with IQ, but the circumstances or conditions. The body, mind, and spirit can just tolerate so much at once, until something starts shutting down. You already feel on the verge of emotional collapse, so please protect yourself by going into survival mode. You can't save your children, marriage, home, etc., if you drown first. So, this post will be my suggestions of what to do before you go down for the last time.
I don't say this as a plug for the DBing forum, but you really have to stop reading various forums.....at least for the time being. The more forums....the more opinions.....the more confusion for you. Your state of being cannot handle all of it at this time. In order to survive, go with one forum/author/program.
Think of your overall stitch as if it were a great body of water. Think of the M as being a a boat that's sinking. You cannot swim if your fear of deep water causes you to fight it, right? You won't survive by going down with the boat, right? You can't save the other passenger (WW) if she drowns you in the process. If you start grab at everything that is rushing pass by (all forums and all advice), the weight will be too great and you will drown. And, you won't swim until you first let go of that boat that has the bottom blown away? No matter what nice possessions you have obtained, you can't drag them along while trying to swim. So, which will it be? If you are too exhausted or scared to swim, and the waters are taking you down, grab a life saver that will hold you up till you can get to shallow water.
So, for now.....stop trying to save everything. Stop trying to win back your WW. Let go. Get your own sharp lawyer who will fight for your rights as a father, and will see what can be done about that PO. Get an educated, certified, legal adviser (someone who knows the laws about bankruptcy, realestate, divorce settlements, child support and custody, and the laws in your state. Don't rely upon the poll from public forums or friends (especially one who is giving advice to her, too?) about your finances and what to do with that monster of a house (that will soon be vacated by those teenagers). You want them to live in a comfortable, nice house? Do you really think the first five kids will still be living at home by the time you can catch up with the payments (not to mention paying off the mortage). What about college? What good will a big nice house be to their future, if they can't find a good job? See what I mean? What is most important? To have a big, empty house the kids can visit in a few years, or to downsize into an affordable, less comfy, house? Which should take priority, paying for their education to give them a better shot at having good careers......or this particular nice house for a few short years?
What do you believe is more important to the kids, to have both parents under the same room while getting divorced......or to keep things as it is now? Which is less stressful for them, and for you? Which way can you cope the best? What does the law have to say about which way is best for you? Find out.
Take care of you health, even if you don't care about it, six other people, at lest, care. Do something to help deal with the depression. Some types have to have help, b/c it doesn't go away by itself. You need to GAL, do something fun, and be around people who like you! Your WW is not going to give you emotional support. Don't go down that tunnel.
You are not powerless, you just feel powerless b/c all of it together is too strong. I am not telling you to go file for a D, if that's not what you want. Get your priorities in order to survive the crises. Then you can deal with other issues, including what and how to deal with our WW, her OM, etc., & etc.
Get some sleep. Tomorrow is another day.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
