matt777 I agree I do feel in ways i am rewarding him which could be helping this affair to last. I did just post something else before i saw yours so maybe that will help explain. I want to do more for myself. i have really put the kids aside during all of this turmoil and it hurts me because they are only young for a little while. so maybe i will try to take them to the park weekly or do movie nights. i guess i felt keeping 1 to 1 time would help him see my changes and offer us time to have light conversation and just spend time together. As for family things it could be good or bad but he has always been very very involved with the kids if i told him i was taking them to the park or the zoo and ne wasnt invited it would hurt him and make him upset. Idk what to do to keep a balance of working on me keeping the peace and not rewarding. I also take the girls to watch him race every saturday that is what they want to do and i enjoy going. i have put my foot down and refuse to take the kids to see him in the pits after the races because she is there and i made it clear i do not want them in the middle of this as they have no idea what is officially going on. and i can say i have not slipped on that. he does not push the issue of our kids seeing her either. he tried on time and i just stood my ground and said no. he denies being in a relationship with her but its obvious they text all day she filed for divorce they sleep together and go out everyweekend. he will say the kids might as well start to know her they will be together eventually. i keep reality and say what if we work it out or if it falls apart. he claims we will never work it out and they will be together forever. i keep my hopes up that is not the case. i will stop refering to what if and discussing the A and our relationship.
They are all his kids. I'm not suggesting you kidnap them or take them places and specifically NOT invite him. But it should be about your relationship with THEM not with HIM. Invite him, but it shouldn't matter whether he goes. If he does, treat him like a friendly neighbor, not like a boyfriend - no hand holding, cuddling, etc.
As for changes, if you sit and watch the grass grow, can you see it? Can you see paint dry? What if you leave and come back three weeks later....has the grass grown? Is the paint dry? Sometimes being too close makes seeing change impossible.
You also mention "keeping the peace". What is your GOAL here? A peaceful home or a meaningful relationship? Is a peaceful home important if your boyfriend is leaving every Saturday night to sleep with someone else? Change is not always easy, and it won't always make him happy. You need to really think about what your ultimate goals are here.
Originally Posted By: 4mykid
as for goals i agree with you they are rewarding. so how about this
I will only text him if he texts me first...that will be a 180 because i always text and say good morning have a good day and text throughout the day. so i will let him initiate good
i will take the kids to do something once a week just us on my day off while he is at work good
i will not mention our relationship status, the A or OW, and the what if's good
I will not initiate 1 on 1 time but will be receptive if he asks me good - but not every time. Maybe 1 in 3
i will control less of what he does regarding going out and allow him to make more decisions with the kids except Ow being around them...i control everything schedules money talking with other moms ect i will let him do more of that so he can see how it really is good
i will take care of my share of the responsibilities at home good
does this look better? trying to get the hang of this...
by the way i NEVER do anything for myself as i always feel guilty spending money we dont have or interfering with his schedule or upsetting him and i do not want to inconvience him...BUT today i bought myself a new CD! i know cheesy huh? but i walked around feeling so guilty i was spending 7$ on myself we didnt have but then i stopped and said to myself i deserve to do stuff for me it is only 7$ he will spend well over 100 just friday and saturday between going out and racing! I know i probably sound crazy but it was a HUGE thing to me
Now you've been catering to him for years right? He gets to go racing, go have his A, etc. what kind of GAL plans do you have? When do you get to go out with friends? When do you get to go try new things? It's time to step up and get your own life. You aren't his babysitter. There's plenty of meet ups out there you can do for very low cost. So....what's on tap? And when you go to these...be mysterious, dress one level up, don't say exactly what you're doing or who with.
Again, these are just my thoughts. I find I'm generally softer about A dealings than many on here. I hope someone else gives some opinions if they disagree with me!
