You can't start over again, and you got a lot of selfish between you and the A, so it will take a long time. I'm not surprised W is baiting you, as she has built up quite a bit of rage. You did well not to take the bait.
Just keep practicing the I'm not a selfish bastard, I recognized that you suffered STFU smoothies, listening, and validating. Buy some stock in STFU smoothies, because you are likely going to be contributing to some profitable quarters.
You can't really replay the healing from infidelity process that MWD outlines in that chapter of DR, but I suspect that there are a lot of tips about the way to approach your very hurt W that you can glean from it. She is going to go through a lot of starts and stops, testing and venting, approaching and distancing. You have a different kind of rollercoaster to ride than some of us, but you seem to have your head and heart in the right place.
Good luck, & good job on getting through the selfish, aren't you going to let it go phase.
Thank you Asitis, this is great advice...
My wife has mentioned this taking a very long time to recover from. Even years... I don't know whether she is using this as an excuse to live in the home with me hoping for a R. Or if she really feels there is a chance for us and that it will just take a while. She is following the script to the "T". She can't or wont recall any good times. None at all!! It's maddening! But it doesn't surprise me anymore after reading DB & DR. She's doing exactly what it says she will be doing.
So for now I'm just going to follow my script. I've stopped playing the victim. Stopped crying and begging and just doing my best to give her "good feelings"...
BD Oct 2014 S Dec 2014 D filed Feb 20, 2015 D on hold as money ran out for attorneys and the marital home's future is up in the air
