It's Been Two Months Today

[DifRent]

New thread, Cadet - and I think I did it right this time! Link me up... thanks!


I am one of those people who is keenly aware of dates and anniversaries. And so I am keenly aware that I've been dealing with the BD for exactly two months now.

It's been the worst nightmare of my life, but I'm just preaching to the choir here when I say that.

I got back to my house this morning a little before noon, and I saw a FedEx delivery notice from yesterday on the door. I suspect that my W, thinking I wasn't going to come home last night, spent the whole night at the OW's for the first time. Interesting... is she only coming home each night at some crazy hour because I'm there?

I ran into my W twice at the house today. The first time, she was cold and perfunctory toward me.

"We need to talk about things and be practical. I have a very busy weekend with lots of plans."

"I'm sure you do," I said. "I really can't believe you read my Skype messages. Why?"

"You know, you need to stop telling people I'm crazy and wacko. I'm not. I've just moved on. You need to deal with it. And some of the things you said hurt me."

"Those things weren't meant for your eyes. If they hurt you, so be it. I'm certain there are hundreds of things you've told OW that, were I to have heard or read them, would hurt me, too."

"True."

"I don't tell people you're crazy," I said. "I just tell them what you're doing, and they draw their own conclusions. If in my messages you saw me mention that you're crazy, it's only to people who already know what you're doing and don't need to be informed."

"Okay, fine." She went back upstairs.

I asked her on my way back out if she hates me... I don't know why. She said no, but it wasn't very convincing. Really, had never seen her so detached and cold toward me.

Went to meet with my Stephen Minister, then came back to get a few things before going to pick up my son for work. She called from upstairs... then came downstairs when I answered.

"I just wanted to wish you a happy Fourth of July," she said.

I said, "Umm, okay. It's the second of July."

"I know, but I have a full weekend."

"Don't we have dinner plans with the boys tomorrow?"

"Oh yes, that's right. Of course."

After a pause.

"I don't hate you. I will go to Trader Joe's today before my 6pm showing, do you need anything besides greens for smoothies and wine?"

"No, that's good, thanks."

"And then I have dinner plans." Not sure why she felt compelled to tell me that, but she followed it with a brief touch on my arm as she said, "Have a good rest of the day, okay?"

Her mind is made up, she is resolute that we are done. But then exchanges like this betray... something. Not sure what. Her face is set firmly, but her eyes can't settle down.

I left to head to the kids' apartment and decided we will stay at my friend's house one more night... they like to stay for the internet, I like to stay because if they are here, I get to be with them, and not be so lonely.

But during my session with my Stephen Minister today, she counseled me to make friends with my loneliness. I guess that will come in time. For now, the loneliness is not my friend. I'd do anything to replace it with the W I used to know.