Anxiously waiting for it to fall apart

[dejavu2]

I haven't left the group, just taken some time away to get stuff sorted.

I have been doing a lot of reading about passive-agressive behaviour (about him) as well co-dependency (for me). Some great emotional eye-opening reads.

Also listening to some thought-provoking podcasts while I finished making all the curtains. They turned out great and house has now been photographed for going on the market - should be officially on the market tomorrow.

At the end of May, H came back after being gone for 3 weeks in which he was job interviewing and "thinking about things" with no new enlightenment or decisions. That was my ah-ha moment. He put forth no new effort - I knew it was time. Additionally he is planning on leaving the country this weekend and returning to USA indefinitely. So, I called my lawyer to have divorce paperwork drawn up.

I decided that I needed a vacation before he left for the last time, so I booked a week in Spain on a wellness and detox holiday (no red meat, no wheat, no sugar, no booze and no caffeine). Lots of exercise, sunshine and clean eating. Courses on nutrition and PT sessions. I still had lots of down time to read. It was a fabulous holiday. While I was gone I had the draft divorce papers sent to H (with warning). The best thing about me being on vacation is he has formed a better bond with the children.

I returned to a full schedule of events including son's birthday, son's end of school year events and a black tie. The black tie was last friday night - I was on a girl's table. It was such a fun time with lots of girl dancing. I knew people on most of the tables, so was lots of fun. Unfortunately Sat AM came very early with end of school year chapel at 9am, followed by a day of activities. Although slightly hung-over from night before and my hair was crisp with hair spray, I was surprised at the number of compliments I got - perhaps it was the detox?!?

H has acted very upset that my lawyer has requested a response from him within 7 days or paperwork will be filed "as-is". H says paperwork came as a surprise and out of the no-where. He is very upset at the process; however unwilling to re-evaluate the outcome. I have pointed out that paperwork has not been filed yet and could be withdrawn - he goes back to dithering.

I am very sad as I do not believe this is how problems gets solved. However, I have realised that he has been very clear with his messaging with me and has been treating me with indifference for years. With him leaving the country to start life in the USA, I needed to protect myself/children.

H is in a dark spot with himself. He is not coming out any time soon. He has reverted to many of the habits which gave him comfort as a child - it is very interesting to watch.