Phone has been pretty dark today given the tiff, I basically have been slow here at work ... since we have tomorrow off today is like friday and well ... everyone is basically checked out looking forward to the weekend. W did stop by early this morning to grab some paperwork she needed me to print out for her (New job stuff) I walked it out to her and told her I had to get back inside, she did not look well and seemed upset wanting to talk but I could'nt ... I think it was actually good I didn't I was still kind of grumpy about it this morning.
I spent the day reading, just enjoying the 'lax' day and not thinking about W ... who is detached .. who's a good boy? So W calls, wants to talk about this morning. So we discuss it, she was bothered by my "let me know what you want to do .. we can work this out or divorce line" as she feels she has been working on it ... to which I agreed to a point, I also expressed to her that I know nothing is going to be fixed overnight and I would remain patient. However .. (yes you knew there would be a however) I told her the past few days I have felt there was a push back, I felt that I and the marriage have not been a priority and it felt as if things were drifting back to that old M, the very one I have said numerous times I would not go back to. I pointed out that she said "I am this way and you are that way" basically letting me know things would not change, I even flipped it .. she needs me to be open and listen, be there emotionally, told her I am happy to work and fill those needs but it would not be one sided as it has been .. made some examples and expressed if we continued we would wind right back to where the marriage was open for another A as if one or both spouses needs are not being met they will look elsewhere for the fix. She reminded me that she promised she would never do that again and I told her I believed her, but told her its not about the A at this point .. its how we wound up where we did .. we have to fix that. She then shared that the A did not fill her need, and I told her I agreed it didn't and compared it to putting a band-aid on a cancer patient .... she they might feel better for a day or two but that did not treat the true illness, the A was the band aide and we need to focus on the cancer.
I was very calm and expressed I realize she has been trying, she has alot going on. We talked about the vacation (she brought it up) I have been planning .. (I have been planning this with or without her going.... still am going to take S, if she goes she goes, if not it will still be fun .... wonder where I learned this approach>?) She still wants to go, said she was very excited about it. Then we talked about her job search. She has worked corporate her whole life, lately she expressed she wanted to get out of that world, into something low key .. I STFU and listen, either way her life and her choice. The past week this seems to have 180'd as the corp world has been contacting her here and there. She seems interested in two in particular .. both well out of the area, talking 1 hour commutes. She asked me point blank if I would be upset if she decided to take one of these jobs, I told her its her choice, whatever she decided to do I would support. We talked about it and she pressed me, I did share my concerns ... she would be gone all week, no time for S, me, or our family. She also would not have time for herself .... talking she would leave at 7 and probably not home till 7-8 ... leaves me with S which I am ok with, but I worry about her moods when she gets home. The little hurt boy worries about all that commute time and possible opportunities to talk with OMs but *shrug* she does that she knows Cali2.0 is adios. Bottom line .. not wasting energy on the what ifs ... she takes what she takes, works where she will and time will tell if I am ok with the arrangements and I will cross that bridge then, not now when it has not been built yet.
So talk went ok, she is trying and making a good solid effort ... even though she does seem to test my deal-breakers. I do think the talk gave her a 'eureka' moment when she realized my LL is not purely about sex and never has been. Going to order a couple books .. SSM being one of them.
