I am sorry I have been out of the boards, have been very busy with work. And when I have a little free time, then I have my GALs.
I what I said sounds really good, busy, busy. but H still finds the way to storm my life.
What I have been doing: * Kids appointments, my own and errands. * Bridal shower - with lots of my girlfriends. * Wedding rehearsal dinner. * Wedding * Friday nights with friends, happy hour, samba dance. * Going for more dancing after samba. * Zumba class Saturdays morning. * School. * Going to the gym whatever I have some time. * Practicing driving with one of my kids. * Hiking * Bicycling
H is saying to me: * You are a beautiful woman. * You are a wonderful person, woman. * I love you a lot, can't stop loving you. * My future is uncertain, just like any kid's future. * In 18 years married to you I was never so unhappy as I am right now. * I see more clear now that I did not value enough, did not respect you enough. * I see that I react very negative to many things when you were just saying the truth. * I am going through all this pain because I did this. * I am responsible for my family's pain. * I did hurt you and the kids. * I spent too much time building up my career what by the way is not were I want to be. Now, at the end of my career, I realized that I was not recognized by all what I do for my company. * I destroyed my marriage, my family for my career and now I have my job but I have nothing. * I need to go back to God, and build up my way back to be myself again. * I don't know what to do next, I feel I am healing. * I am lonely, and the only person that still supports me is you. * You do not exist. * My life is a mess.
***And in all of this, he cries, cries, and cry some more.
H says a lot of stuff, but he did not say what is important for our M, our R: What H did not say: * I regret what I did and I would like to work in our M. * I am sorry I am confused, but maybe we hold the D and try to work in our R. * I love you and I realized that I was happier with you, so lets give a chance.
H says everything around the issue. He says he can see all what he did wrong and I believe he sees what I did wrong. But it is still not enough for him to realize that we can build up our M again. We have been changing, he could at least give it a try.
But no, he does not want it.
What I do when H talks like this: * On Saturday I said again to him that we have nothing to talk about anymore. That he really needs to leave me alone. ...He does not listen to me, it is like if I said nothing. * I validate, say that many things could be a different reaction from me. * I say that I respect his decision and won't be in his way. * That he will be OK, the pain will go away. * That he is a very intelligent, capable, hard working man, he is a nice person.
I tough it would be difficult, but I never had any idea of this nightmare. The more distance I put in between us, the more he says all this stuff and cry like a baby.
Sometimes I tough that H was calculating his every move, but right now I am really confused because he really looks like a big mess.
What I need to do: * Continue with my life, support my children and try to be happy at least once a day. * Get farther and farther from H. Set up more boundaries and try do not see or talk to him except because the kids when necessary. * I do not want to feel this pain anymore, I accept that the D is around the corner and it will happen. * I want H to go, be away from me, never say these things to me and then do nothing to rebuild the M. If he wants to go, then he must go.
I don't know much what to think besides this, I don't know what or how to feel anything anymore. I am exhausted, I am stressed out, I want to let go now because I can't take it no more.
I want some peace in my mind. I have been kind of sick all the time. I think the emotional is making me sick. It's time to let go on my M for good.
I have a three day weekend, so I will try to catch up with every one. I am a sad and I am grieving a big death, but I just want to let go so it does not hurt anymore.
Toots, your analogy makes a lot of sense and as much as it hurts it is always better to see what is really happening.
V, loved the way you explain detachment. During this last interaction with H I was just that, a fly in the wall, nothing more. I think I said maximum 3 words for him.
Jim, if H loves me or not it does not matter anymore. What matters is that he is not saying he wants to work on his M. I am disposable.
RD, my sweetheart RD, I also needed to stop writing to you much because it was getting me confused between reality and virtual fantasy. I am very vulnerable and need to be careful I don't hurt myself in the process of recovering.
At some point you were in my head all the time, much more then H was. But, I do not want to create the drama and fake the process of grieving.
For some reason I do not explain, it is very easy to think about you and smile.
Love to you all and thanks so much for being part of this painful journey. You are all great people, you deserve the best.
