WW/WAW Looking for advice from the pros (Sandi)

[Prowl]

Thanks to everyone. I'm so thankful to have all of your advice and support. I know my EA was wrong and I am sure my W doesn't feel I have fully atoned for my mistake. Do I continue to bring it up and apologize for it or let it rest?

Today has been extremely difficult. I saw her for the first time in months yesterday during a kid swap. It's weird seeing her. She's lost so much weight and her cold, uncaring attitude towards me is something I am still getting use to.

As for the house I really don't know what to do. She hasn't made a mortgage payment in 6 months and she really doesn't have any bills. When I put her child support in her account this week it didn't even take her out of the negative. How does she expect us to pay the mortgage, the catch up payments and my apartment? To give everyone a little back history, my wife is kinda a princess. She was mad when she had to start working 5 years ago and to this day reminds me that "she would never have to work and I would always take care of everything." My overtime went away and she was able to find a part time job working from home. Our biggest fights and resentment comes from this. In the fall of 2013 she didn't work for 3 months and I didn't find out until we started bouncing checks. This last fall she didn't work for a month and a half. When I found out I was extremely angry and that was part of the big fight that led to BD. I remember asking her what we would do if I took months off at a time...

So her wanting to remain in our beautiful home while I pay for everything is kinda par for our marriage. During mediation she wanted to remain in the house until the kids were grown and then sell and split the equity. In a way she is getting this for 3-5 years or until I get the mortgage payments caught up. I don't like living in an apartment. I want to be in my house. I suffer from anxiety and depression and being alone is difficult for me. Especially when I feel I'm being played.

I know I sound selfish and I'm trying not to. I've felt used my entire marriage. I always worked 2-3 jobs and would come home and have to do my own laundry, dishes, etc... My wife is very social and doesn't like doing much around the house. My kids tell me how they are doing everything around the house and the older kids are making dinners most nights while she's "out".

I know this sounds like a complain session and maybe it is. I'm really frustrated this morning and it's all I can do to not call her and cry and beg for her to reconsider.