Lost & confused

[Clairee]

Well not too much to report. H has been affectionate & attentive all week. He went online & found a MC for us he thought would be a good fit. The MC follows the Gottman Method. I had to google that since I had never heard of it. I spoke to the MC directly yesterday before deciding if I thought he would be a good fit. He's pro-marriage & unless there is abuse doesn't think divorce is the answer for any couple. That was encouraging & also what H said of why he chose him. Just waiting to see if he's covered by our insurance. Should know that today. If not, I found another MC who uses the same method & is covered for sure. I think H is wanting a male MC. He is afraid a woman would beat up on him for what he's done. If a man makes him more apt to going & listening them I'm ok with that. Part of me thinks a man can put things into 'guy' words he can better understand.

I have a head cold. It [censored] so much! Yesterday I could barely function my head & body hurt so much. H was really wonderful. He came home from work, took care of the house things I didn't get done, handled all the teenage girl drama from our Ds & kept them all quiet so I could rest. He brought me tea & soup. Even cleaned up the mess which is a new development! He sat next to me watching TV just letting me rest. I told him he didn't have to stay in the bedroom while I slept but he said he wanted to be close by if I needed something. It was actually really sweet & he's never done it before. When I've been sick in the past, I still did the housework, cooked & whatever while he sat in the recliner & watched TV. I think he's trying, but I'm not reading too much into it at this point.

As for the OW, I asked a few questions. Not much because frankly, I don't care about her that much. But I wanted/needed to know how these I love you's came about. H said about a week before he came home she said it to him in an email. He responded back to it. He said he doesn't know what she meant by 'wait for him' because he had never talked about D or even S with her. I asked if he had talked about me & how. He said he never told her anything bad about me or about us & he showed me an email he sent that said things were rough between us because of being apart & things he had done to mess up while he was gone & he had every intention of making our M work when he got home. Maybe she's reading more into his words than are really there. Who knows. It's mind reading & if she thought more, that's her issue not mine as long as she stays away from me & my family.

Which that brings up a dilemma for me. It's very possible I'll see her when I visit him in California when he goes back at the end of the year. Here's the catch with her, I know her. She knows me. Not well, but we do know each other. It's very likely we could end up in the same room together. And being totally honest, I keep having dreams about that. I'm not a violent person. I never have been. Unless you're trying to hurt my kids, I'm the one everyone calls diplomatic & peace maker. But in my dreams, she's there & without a word I walk over & just beat the crap out of her. I don't know why I'm having these dreams.

Anyway, still not feeling back to normal so just taking it easy today. I have my IC in an few hours & dinner later tonight with a friend of ours who is here on vacation. Tomorrow starts the holiday weekend so we have a lot of family plans. I'm just trying to stay in the moment, not in the past or future. I figure all I have is the current day, nothing else is promised.