Summer of Growth and Acceptance

[V2pt0]

Having a pretty good week with H gone. I feel like I have been sleeping through most of the night and getting some much needed rest. I have been mostly feeling content and happy, but there have been a few moments of sadness here and there. I do notice that I am able to snap out of the sadness quicker than during the first few months. Yesterday, I did find myself questioning why the hell I am trying to save my M with an H who has cheated, treating me as if I don't exist, and showing very little signs in the way to fight for us. Do I really want someone who has so little regard for our M and me? Is there really this fog that people keep talking about or is it just an excuse? It was also fairly short lived.

The past few days have really been mostly about me. I have been working out, had an impromptu girls night out to watch soccer game, started my own meetup group (already have 11 members!) and reading about low self-esteem. It's only Thursday! I still have my 5k, BBQ , and fireworks to go.

Regarding low self-esteem, I realize now how much it has contributed to some of my negative behavior in my M. I know my H is suffering from LSE right now as well as he has told me as much. I think for me, my LSE was dominant when I met H. I was in a very good place with career, friends, and self at that time. Once we married and the M was not as easy of a transition as I was expecting, self-doubt started to creep back in. Finding out that your H is using porn, waning emotional connection, etc. all made me feel that maybe I was not enough for my H. On top of that, I went from a very active job to a desk job, which was a factor in gaining weight. As protection from fear of abandonment, I started to shut down, withdrawing, and projecting my low self-worth on to H. I realize I have a great deal if work to do in this area. I think both my H and I let ourselves become people were are not very happy with. While I see that is my own issues that I need to solve, my H thinks it is our M and me that has made him that way.

I had not heard from H at all, so I thought I would reach out this morning and send text/photo of our dog. H seemed to get really emotional the night before he left. He had bent down to love up on dog(I have not seen him do this for at least a month or more and he LOVES our dog) and it appeared he got teary-eyed. Just sent text saying I thought he might be missing him. H sent enthusiastic text back saying he was and thanks. I asked how everything was going and he sent photo of him from his trip and indicating all was good. I just said, "nice!" It was all very light and not about me. Hopefully, that was not too pursuing.