hold on! - 10

[u-turn]

Right Cali - I get this. I seem to be asking the same questions that I did here 6 months ago. EVERYTHING is stuck in the mud here.

-------

I've retained the lawyer and am proceeding. It is a sickening feeling - but it is my path. To be honest, I am more than a little scared.

I will begin finding the information and filling out the rough draft forms.

----

I had a (great?) discussion with my IC last night, I let her know what my plans were - she sees this as a healthy thing that I am doing for myself and family. (I broke down in her office - a little embarrassing). But all we can see is that I am going to continue to be sh!t on by someone who is truly unraveling. I don't know if she's unraveling or if everything is still perfect in her world - I don't know.

I asked IC if people that are unraveling ever know they are, if they figure that out. She told me that I did, and that's why I found help.

IC found the story about W berating me about talking with my brother for support and then berating me for not stepping up to help our friend very telling of how she is yanking me around. I do feel yanked around by all of this (as V put it a couple of posts back).

She thinks I have come a long way in becoming my own person.

I talked about timelines and what this summer means to me. My teaching job starts again mid august and I do not want to under-perform (my standards) AGAIN. Teaching has actually become part of me - not just a way to supplement. I do not want to allow myself to under-perform with my business again - this business has been part of me for a long time. (though it has sentimental value for me too / started with W). That being said, I wanted to have my direction this summer.

Yes these are just jobs and I could go work anywhere, but this is what I do, what I like, how I provide for my family (kids). My kids have seen me enjoy working - taking pride in it. I don't feel that work will ever supersede my family or relationships, but as my kids get older, and they need/want less time from me, it is something to occupy myself that I enjoy.

Just an update - thanks for everyone's support!