Thanks asitis and Caliguy and others for your responses.
Asitis - yes you are right - I can see how auditioning for the role of best H or W can come across as disingenuous and is pursuit. That hurts to realize that but yes I recognize that. I do remember my wife saying that 'I was just checking off boxes'. At the time I thought at least I am trying.
I am a good Mom and a good person. I don't have to try and show it off - I can just be me. That is a huge burden to shake off. Just be myself. That may not be what W wants but so be it. I can only be me as she can only be her.
In hindsight I think that is what she was trying to tell me but I couldn't understand it at the time. I honestly thought I was doing the right thing by being "x" or by doing "y" because I hoped she would appreciate it and love me. Wrong. The angrier she became the more I tried. The dance of pursuit is so clear.
Now all I have to be is just me....flaws and all... Warts and all.... Pain and all... Just be me. It hurts like heck but maybe this will propel me into deeper insight about ME and I can learn from this horrible experience.
I will see where that takes me and if I have the courage to accept the lessons.
