Thanks asitis and Caliguy and others for your responses.
Asitis - yes you are right - I can see how auditioning for the role of best H or W can come across as disingenuous and is pursuit. That hurts to realize that but yes I recognize that. I do remember my wife saying that 'I was just checking off boxes'. At the time I thought at least I am trying.
I am a good Mom and a good person. I don't have to try and show it off - I can just be me. That is a huge burden to shake off. Just be myself. That may not be what W wants but so be it. I can only be me as she can only be her.
In hindsight I think that is what she was trying to tell me but I couldn't understand it at the time. I honestly thought I was doing the right thing by being "x" or by doing "y" because I hoped she would appreciate it and love me. Wrong. The angrier she became the more I tried. The dance of pursuit is so clear.
Now all I have to be is just me....flaws and all... Warts and all.... Pain and all... Just be me. It hurts like heck but maybe this will propel me into deeper insight about ME and I can learn from this horrible experience.
I will see where that takes me and if I have the courage to accept the lessons.
I have had to send a couple of texts to W about kids since we changed up the schedule.
They were short and sweet and polite. Only answers I get from W are "yes". Ok, we are now onto that game. Maybe that's how it will be from now on. Just sort and sweet and business like.
I can do that. I am keeping my focus on ME and what is best for my kids.
All of this still seems like an endless bad dream but with time, I know it will end. My IC said I will start to heal when all of the uncertainty ends. He means with the D. I am beginning to think he is right.
My real fears are:
her taking the kids - won't happen her taking the house - won't happen being alone - has happened and may not last forever being erased - has not happened and won't
So why am I still so fearful of this process? Is it just that I fear change? Is it that I fear the unknown, Is it that I fear my W? I just can't pinpoint it exactly. Maybe its a combination of all of the above.
Yes .. it is fear of the unknown that is eating you. Just accept it, you had a life where everything was in place, and to a point you had direction. All that went poof at BD and now you find yourself scrambling. You are at a point where you think about a future without W, and you think about a future with W, what could be if she wakes.... all this is not clear ... in a word its limbo and your IC does have somewhat of a point .. however you do not need D for it to end, but you do need to become detached enough to where it will feel like you are D.
I have a sticky here at work ... "Fear and Insecurities Destroy your Life." I think I heard it from a sermon I was listening to, I wrote it down to constantly remind myself I would not be destroyed by those ... a truck, lightning, a hungry bear ... maybe .. but not something I could control and refuse to allow it that kind of power over me .... yet just a few nights I did allow it to affect me .... its a constant war with these things, in time with perseverance we will beat them back.
Look at what you can control, how you deal with things .. that's all any of us can really do
It's been a few days since I checked on you - sorry, mostly extra extra busy with work.
I agree with caliGuy, "it is fear of the unknown that is eating you" and that is so normal, as I'm sure you know. Some days, that fear gets to me but I do my best to keep a PMA and try to not think too far into the future.
You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Please hang in there!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Yes, fear. Fear of abandonment, fear of povery, see what I mean? It is so easy to spin out of control. But fear is just an emotion.... it can pass over us and through us.
As we are all LBS, I wonder if all of us go through this to some degree? I am guessing so as we are members of this board and are ighting for our marriages and/or improved versions of ourselves.
Caliguy did your wife ever express that she had fear about her choices, or any insecurities about your potential D?
As we are all LBS, I wonder if all of us go through this to some degree? I am guessing so as we are members of this board and are ighting for our marriages and/or improved versions of ourselves.
Lots of fear, I even had a thread trying to let go of most of my irrational fears a while back. Fear of the unknown being the common theme. Just so much we don't know about the future going through this process and its hard not knowing. We also end up having alot of insecurities develop as a result of what our WAS's have done because we don't realize this was about them and not us.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
As we are all LBS, I wonder if all of us go through this to some degree? I am guessing so as we are members of this board and are ighting for our marriages and/or improved versions of ourselves.
Heavy,
You're welcome. I'm sure we all do at one time or another. I know I still do at times.
Hang in there . . . you got this!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Caliguy did your wife ever express that she had fear about her choices, or any insecurities about your potential D?
Heavy
She is still a little foggy, and details slowly are coming out here and there, she talks about things without really realizing they are nuggets for the MLC community if that makes any sense.
To spare you diggin on my thread I will give a little/long summary of when I think my W began to wake:
I can tell you this, we had the D in process through mediation, I was done, honestly ... I was looking forward to Cali2.0 and the next chapter. She wanted family time during the holidays ... I did not see the point and told her as much. Thanksgivings Day I cooked a spread .. just for S and I, Christmas day I picked up S, handed W a gift .. I think it was a licensee plate from her school, nothing like what I typically would do, She had offered we do the fake-family thing as I called it...again to open presents .. knowing OM bought the tree she had .. and all our ornaments hung off it ... yeah .. NO. So S and I did our thing and I assumed W was having a nice time with OM or whomever.
Turns out that day she sat on the beach and spent some time thinking. I had intel that a week prior all was well with her and OM. She told be in a long letter that it was that day, she realized every holiday from here on out would not be with 'family' and shared she considered me family. This was December mind you ... was not till March21st that she told me she did not want a divorce.
I do not know why so long, and even then it was not till last month I seen her actually wake a bit ad really commit, really try .. really show "I will do anything to save this M"
I will say this, as I have read on the boards, noticed it in others, and especially my own. Till we detach for us, because we hit that point we know we will be ok regardless ... till they actually FEEL that we have started to move on ... there is no reason for them to change their ways, no reason to stop their selfish actions. I compare it to a drunk, he will keep drinking and drinking till he is kicked out of the bar, and then what does he do .. attempt anything he can to get back in.
As we are all LBS, I wonder if all of us go through this to some degree? I am guessing so as we are members of this board and are ighting for our marriages and/or improved versions of ourselves.
Fear... yes. At the moment, I don't even know where I'm going to be living in two months. The loneliness is harsh, and a lifetime of that is all I can see right now. Can't even imagine what the holidays are going to be like...
Although I am divorce busting and will not abandon hope for some time, I have to say it all feels like a very long shot. She is in love. She doesn't want me. Says she never did. I know I'm not to believe anything she says, but these are hard things to ignore.
Fear does us no good... intellectually I know this. It's just an emotion, and all we can do is live day by day. But every morning at 2am, I wake with that fearful pit in my gut. It's awful, and I am so looking forward to the day when it's gone.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
